Issue Number 27 --- 28 Elul, 5756
Compiled and Published by Kollel Menachem - Lubavitch (Melbourne, Australia) in the zechus of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, o.b.m.
The present issue deals with some aspects of honouring and fearing one's parents.
1) Source
2) Reason
3) A brocho on this mitzva?
4) Not to address parents by their first names
5) Learning Torah and honouring parents
6) Honouring older siblings
7) Honouring in-laws
8) Honouring grandparents
Based on the Gemoro, the Tur writes that it a positive mitzva to honour and fear one's parents. One should be very careful in this mitzva as the Torah equates it with the honour and fear of Hashem. Since in the birth of a child there is a three way partnership - Hashem, the father and the mother - one who honours his parents is considered as he has honoured Hashem.
In connection with honouring parents, the verse mentions the father before the mother, and regarding fearing them, it mentions the mother before the father: from this it is learnt that mother and father are equal in this mitzva.
The Chinuch writes that the reason for this mitzva is that a person should recognize and be grateful for good and kindness done for him, and not ignore or deny it. He should realize that his parents are the reason for his existence, as well as having toiled in his up-bringing, and so deserve all the honour and benefit with which he can provide them. Once a person acquires this character trait, he will come to appreciate the good done for him by Hashem, Who is the cause of his existence: the One Who created him, provides him with all his needs, with his health, and gave him a soul which distinguishes him from an animal. He will then appreciate how attentive he should be in the service of Hashem.
The Rashba writes that a brocho is not said on the mitzva (obligation - commandment) of honouring parents, since this obligation could cease in the case where the parents waived their honour.
Another reason given is that this mitzva is a constant obligation, and a brocho is said only on a mitzva from which one is exempt at certain times, so that when one returns to fulfil it, a brocho is said out of a sense of dearness of the mitzva to which one is returning.
Another reason is given: that we cannot thank Hashem in the brocho for sanctifying us - as Jews - with His mitzvos, when non-Jews also take upon themselves this mitzva.
The Gemoro states that one should "change" the name of one's parents and teacher.
Rashi explains this to mean that one should not to refer to them by their name.
The Rambam, however, explains it to mean that even another, with the same name as one's parents, should not be referred to by that name.
The Beis Yosef, Remo and Taz forbid referring to even another, with the same name as a parent, by his name. The only exception is where (i) this is not in the presence of the parent and (ii) it is a name shared by many.
The Shach argues and permits referring to another with the same name as a parent, except where this is in the presence of the parent and is an uncommon name.
The Bach states that even though it is permitted by Halacha, one should be stringent - even not in the presence of the parent - not to refer to others with the name of his parent, where the name is an uncommon one.
The Ben Ish Chai permits reading a portion of Tanach , containing the name of his parent, in the presence of a parent, and even if it is an uncommon name.
The Remo states that although one may not refer to his teacher simply by his name, it is permissible if one prefaces it with "Rebbi" (my teacher). Based on this, some permit referring to a parent the same way. Others disagree, and explain that it is permitted only with teachers, since a person may have many teachers, and needs to specify the teacher to whom he is referring, while a person has only one mother and father. Others learn in turn from this last ruling that, if asked as to the name of one's parent, it would be permitted to answer, as there is a need to specify who his parent is.
The Oruch Hashulchon permits referring to a parent as 'my father/mother so-and-so' in all circumstances.
It may be noted that the Shach qualifies the above ruling of the Remo - permitting one to refer to his teacher by name with the preface "Rebbi" - only not in the presence of the teacher. In the presence of the teacher one should only say "Rebbi".
The Gemoro relates that when Yaacov left his parents, and so could not fulfil the mitzva of honouring them, he was nevertheless not punished for the time he spent learning away in Yeshiva. Based on this, the Shulchon Oruch rules that the mitzva of learning Torah is greater than that of honouring parents. Accordingly, if a son wishes to go to a certain teacher to learn Torah, with whom he is certain that he will be successful in his studies, and his parents want him to go elsewhere, or not to leave the city, the son is not obliged to obey to them.
Similarly, if the level of the other students at his Yeshivah is too low, or the Rabbi in his town is too occupied to give him the required attention, or even if it is possible that another Yeshivah might be better, he need not obey his parents requiring him to remain at his present Yeshivah. If, however, his parents object to his studying at his desired Yeshivah because the students or Rabbis there are not G-dfearing, then the son must obey his parents.
The Minchas Yitzchok goes so far to say, that where the son wants to leave his parents - against their will - to learn Torah, and his attainment of a passport, or the like, is dependent on his parents consent, the parents should give their consent and facilitate his leaving.
Regarding interrupting learning to honour one's parents there are differing opinions. The Prisha rules that one need not interrupt. Others disagree, ruling that learning takes preference only if the interruption to honour one's parents will affect his general success in learning.
However, this does not mean that one should learn continuously and not serve them at all, just as learning is interrupted to pray or to perform other mitzvos - for each thing has its time.
The Mashiv D'vorim rules that when one's parent requests assistance, one must interrupt his learning, though, if he were not requested he need not offer assistance.
Similarly, some rule that one who is learning in a different city is not obligated to take time off learning to journey to visit his parents. However, others rule that one must take a little time from his learning to journey to visit his parents.
The requirement of honouring one's older brother is derived from a verse in the Torah. Some rule that this applies only to the first born son.
The Arizal rules that it applies to all older siblings, including sisters.
The Poskim rule, however, that the honour due to an older brother is not to the same extent as that due to a parent.
Since husband and wife are like one body, there is also an obligation to honour one's spouses parents. There is a dispute as to whether this is a Torah or rabbinical obligation. Most Poskim are of the latter opinion.
The Bach and Shach rule that the honour due to in-laws is not as great as that due to parents, but like that due to distinguished elderly people.
According to the Vilna Gaon it appears that the honour due to them is equal to that due to parents.
The Remo rules that one is obligated in honouring grandparents. According to many opinions, this is a Torah obligation. Some of the reasons given are (i) "grandchildren are also considered as children", (ii) a grandfather has an obligation to teach Torah to his grandson - who in this sense is considered as his son, (iii) if one's father is obligated to honour his father, then surely the son, who is obligated to honour his father, should be obligated to honour his father's father.
Here also, some rule that the honour of grandparents is equal to that due to parents.
The Remo and most Poskim, however, rule that it is less than this, although greater than that due to in-laws, which is only a Rabbinical injunction. *
The above is not intended to decide halachic questions, but rather to clarify them in a clear and concise form. Please refer all your practical questions to your local Rabbi.
The above is not intended to decide halachic questions, but rather to clarify them in a clear and concise form. Please refer all your practical questions to your local Rabbi.
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