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Unread 01-31-2002, 01:18 AM   #1
zaque36
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Mashpia -- Spiritual Mentor

ok, i was reading all these posts about questions and questions and more questionzzzzzzz and i was thinking to myslef, waht e/o really needs is a good mashpia. then, sholom suggested writing a new thread on it, so here goes.
basiaclly, i know how important it is to get one, and how the rebbe said its a bakushe nafshis, and e/o needs one etc etc. problem is-i dont have one!!! logically, i know i need one, but in my heart, im thkning, well, id be too embarrassed, and who knows so mcuh more than me anyway that could be my mashpia (basically, whos good enuf for me ) what kinds questions am i supposed to ask (is this too silly...). bottom line-i dont have one, even though i know i need one! slowly but surely more and more q's and situations are coming up that i need a mashpia for...help!!
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Unread 01-31-2002, 03:55 AM   #2
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zaque36 - I personally went thru several mashpim. Each one just didn't seem right for me. It was only in the past few months that I found one. If it's the rights one for you, you DON'T feel embarrassed to ask questions - as you know he/she understands you and takes you seriously. You know what questions you want to ask! If not, you wouldn't be so eager to find a Mashpia! Look around at people you know. For some people it's hard, for some it's easy to find a Mashpia, but once you do, you'll feel so much better. Go for it!
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Unread 01-31-2002, 03:39 PM   #3
Jac
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A mashpia is a lifeline. At different stages in life they play different roles, but it is always crucial to growth and development. I'm not going to convince you of its importance and benefits just now, since you seem to be convinced of that, and are just having problems putting it into effect.

I just want to add one thing to what blackhorse said: Sometimes, people get so caught up trying to find " the right one" (sounds like a marriage for life here;-)) that they never get one!! Even if the person doesn't seem p-e-r-f-e-c-t for you, you should still get that person as a mashpia--even if it's temporary! You CAN settle! This isn't a lifetime commitment, and as you grow, you most definitely can (s/times should) change mashpiim/mashpios. So it's possible that you may just feel a bit uncomfortable, even if it is the right one for you, but hey, no pain, no gain! Seriously, it is totally worth it.

I would highly recommend learning the sicha about getting a mashpia. Just one encouraging point to remember: the Rebbe would never give us a command to do if we weren't capable of doing it. The rebbe was talking to every single one of us, really! So it IS possible for every single person to find that elusive person!
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Unread 01-31-2002, 03:44 PM   #4
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Yeh, maybe my post was not so clear in that respect. I didn't find the "perfect" mashpia, and I don't think there is such a thing. But one that understands you, and that you feel is leading you in the right direction. NOT one that leads you in the direction in which YOU want to be led :-) A bit criptic...hope it makes sense!
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Unread 01-31-2002, 10:44 PM   #5
ChachChach
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you know what's one problem about a mashpia? there are some problems that you find too personal to talk about with a mashpia, ie, problems at home or with friends, and you feel like you cant go over to someone and get advice, bc if you dont tell them these problems, they dont know the real you, they'd only know the fake you....whats the point of getting a mashpia who's just going to know an external aspect of you? if you cant trust a person(and for some problems you only discuss with a perfessional, not just stam any person, even your mashpia) how are you supposed to grow from their advice?
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Unread 02-02-2002, 01:39 PM   #6
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Get a professional for advice which needs a professioanl, and all other stuff which is in a mashpias "control" leave to him/her
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Unread 02-02-2002, 08:13 PM   #7
ChachChach
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but how can someone give you advice that will help you grow if they dont really know you?
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Unread 02-06-2002, 05:53 PM   #8
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Are you talking about a Mashpia? In that case, they GET to know you!
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Unread 02-06-2002, 10:19 PM   #9
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well, i saw that ppl were posting up questions about "mashpia" and i was wondering- how often am i supposed to call her? i mean the one i have now is amazing and she knows me so well, shes just hard to reach. (once i reach her its worth the wait!!)And if cant reach her for a month at a time or so at a time that i need her should i get a new mashpia? that would be pretty hard-to just start everything again and look for a mashpia who doesnt know me at all- So what should i do? Anyone got a clue? Thanx a ton!!
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Unread 02-07-2002, 02:26 PM   #10
ChachChach
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maybe i'm not being clear enough. my question is like this: a mashpia is someone who has to get to know you in order to be able to advise you. however,there are some things that you just wouldnt feel comfortable revealing to someone else, whatever the problem is. and if someone doesnt know this thing about you, then they dont really know you...so what's the point? if the mashpia doesnt really know you, whats the point in having them? they're just giving over information to a false facade-and that defeats the whole purpose.
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Unread 02-07-2002, 02:29 PM   #11
Jude
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Maybe you can think of it in terms of a doctor. We get undressed in front of doctors, and tell them things which can be quite embarrassing. We do this for the sake of our physical health. So too with our spiritual health, in order to be properly guided by a mashpia in our avodas Hashem, we have to tell them things that will enable them to help us.
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Unread 02-07-2002, 03:48 PM   #12
Sholom
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Rainbow - It all depends on how frequently you need to speak to your Mashpia. If you have the need every other day, but you can only get hold her once a month, then that is a problem.

Is it that she is hard to reach, or maybe that you are reluctant to call sometimes. If she is not available for one whole month at a time, she's some busy person!!

It's a good question what you ask, and I reckon the best answer is...discuss it with your Mashpia!! Get hold of her and talk it thru. Explain that you need her "services" more frequently than she can provide. Maybe she doesn't realize this, and will be able to make more time for you. This may very well be the case. If not, then maybe she can suggest someone else for you.
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Unread 02-07-2002, 03:53 PM   #13
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ChachChach - I don't understand where your coming from! Maybe you don't want to reveal things because of your pride? Maybe it's to embarrassing for you to feel that your Mashpia will know the real you? If this is the case, maybe you don't have full trust in your Maspia?

There is nothing worse than having a problem and not telling anyone. If not your Mashpia, there is normally someone you can discuss your problem with. This may be a parent, friend, teacher etc. Of course it all depends on the nature of the problem.

Don't worry - I used to think like you as well!! Then I found a Mashpia who I felt I REALLY trusted. If it's someone you REALLY trust, then you know the secret/problem is not going to go between you and the Mashpia. That's find by me.

One of the "conditions" which my Mashpia took me, is that I need to be 100% truthful to him. It all makes a lot of sense. Like you say: "they're just giving over information to a false facade-and that defeats the whole purpose."
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Unread 02-07-2002, 08:46 PM   #14
ChachChach
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for sure, if you have problems, you talk about it to other ppl-close friends, family, etc. however, not always are you going to trust your mashpia to the extent that you'd be able to reveal personal issues. yes, the question is one of trust-that if you dont trust the person enough to reveal whats really going on beneath the surface, is there any point of getting one?
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Unread 02-07-2002, 08:48 PM   #15
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You simply need to find one who you WILL reveal things to. If you feel you cannot - then maybe you've got the wrong one!
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Unread 02-09-2002, 09:42 PM   #16
zaque36
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i think thats what my problem is-i guess im just too embarassed to 'undress' myself in front of someone else-yeah, i guess it does come from pride or ego or whatever.
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Unread 02-10-2002, 05:21 AM   #17
blackhorse
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Admittedly it's not that easy to overcome. But give it some thought and I'm sure you will! You don't necessarily have to do it all at once. Maybe discuss one thing at a time with your Mashpia. After a while you'll feel "at home" in doing so.
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Unread 02-14-2002, 04:11 PM   #18
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the problem is that most guys let a problem build up before they turn to a mashpia, and by the time they do, the mashpia has no idea of the whole background
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Unread 02-14-2002, 06:33 PM   #19
blackhorse
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So you spend some time and explain the backgroud. Is it THAT hard?!
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Unread 02-17-2002, 01:33 AM   #20
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At what age should one get a mashpia? Do children need one? Maybe Tzivos Hashem and/or yeshivos should be more involved and influencing with helping people find a mashpia.
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Unread 02-17-2002, 11:16 AM   #21
Jude
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PARENTS are their children mashpiim. They live with them, know them intimately, raise them, and are in fact "mashpia" on them for better or worse, with effort - for better!
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Unread 02-17-2002, 12:43 PM   #22
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Actually, I'm a bit confused about the parents' role and if they are supposed to be mashpiim. On one hand, I remember learning how parents are not supposed to be mashpiim, since they are not able to be subjective. The problem is that I can't remember the exact source, which sicha that was. (Maybe someone can help me out on that one?) On the other hand, I've recently heard that it is okay for parents to be their child's mashpia. Anyone know the real deal on this?

Btw, about children having mashpiim, it definitely is a real inyan, and a great thing to be ingrained in children. As young as fifth grade girls are encouraged to get mashpiim (in Bais Rivka)--even though they won't stick with them for more than a little while, it still is an important concept. But I'm sure that it would be perfectly okay for a child to have a parent as a mashpia.
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Unread 02-17-2002, 01:20 PM   #23
ChachChach
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i think i remember hearing that up to a certain age, parents could be mashpias to their kids. after a certain point, however, most kids wont want to consult with their "old fashioned" and "old" parents. for some ppl, this happens earlier than other, so i dont think there was ever an official age for when to get a different mashpia. i think most teens will tell you that they'd rather discuss their problems with someone other than their parents, bc their parents are too emtionally involved with them to give good advice.
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Unread 02-17-2002, 01:26 PM   #24
Jude
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uh oh, you're getting me started ...
first of all, in Chayolei Beis Dovid for 6th and 7th grade boys, their mashpia can be either their parent (mother or father), counselor, madrich, whoever ...

"if parents are supposed to be mashpiim" - I said it before and I'll say it again - like it or not, choose it or not, official or not, parents are mashpiim. It's the nature of the parent-child relationship. Now how that hashpa'a operates, is another story..

about older children seeking other mashpiim, nothing wrong with that, HOWEVER, I certainly pray that MY children always WANT to turn to ME with their life issues, as I did!
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Unread 02-17-2002, 01:32 PM   #25
ChachChach
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jude, if i would come to my parents with the issues i have, i would not be sitting on the computer today, alive and in full health. parents cant help but get emotional about their kids problems, and kids cant help but make stupid mistakes as they grow up.
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