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Unread 04-05-2009, 10:34 PM   #601
existwhere?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Torah613 View Post
Because it is a pointless, childish mishmash, among other reasons.
OK. Thank you for your honest criticism.
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Unread 04-06-2009, 08:20 AM   #602
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Well, you did ask for it...
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Unread 04-13-2009, 12:40 AM   #603
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6- z"a
8- seven raki'ot and aretz
11- the sefirot with keter
9- errrr...cant think of one...

I think it's cute, though. T613- sometimes being funny is okay. :P
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Unread 04-13-2009, 07:26 AM   #604
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I didn't think it funny. Maybe my sense of humour is out of practice.
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Unread 04-15-2009, 04:00 PM   #605
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If you spell 'humor' with a 'u', then it certainly is.
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Unread 04-19-2009, 01:18 PM   #606
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Yoely got a job as a salesman for Mehadrin Mouthwash Company and was phenomenally successful. He sold 10,000 bottles in 3 days. When asked how he did it, Yoely said: "Listen, I stand on 13th avenue in Boro Park with a tub of spoiled chopped liver and some crackers and I say, anyone want to try some free chopped liver? When people says yes they always spit it out and say this must be at least a year old."

"I says to them, 'no really it's 2 years old. Wanna buy some mouthwash'?"
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Unread 12-15-2009, 02:36 PM   #607
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irrelevant

A bochur was on a date walking down the street. While they turn the corner the bochur see's another buchor from his yeshiva walking towards him. When they pass each other the first bochur says "she's my cousin" 5 seconds later the second buchor calls out to him and says "I know, she was my cousin last week too".
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Unread 01-04-2010, 07:21 PM   #608
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Talmud for Gentiles

The Priest meets his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud."
The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud."
But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.
Finally, the Rabbi agreed. The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question."
The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi "What is the Question?"
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of those two goes to wash up."
"Very Simple," replied the Priest.
"The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told you that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. The exact opposite happened. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty, goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please, another question."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean. Who of these two goes to wash up?"
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again. I told you that you will not understand. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."
The Priest complains to the Rabbi "But you did not tell me that there is a mirror there."
The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud. According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities."
"Alright," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question."
For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest. "Two men fall through the chimney. One came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?"
"That is very simple!" replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will! think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up. The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up. If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up. The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding. You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain. Tell me, how is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?"
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Unread 01-05-2010, 02:50 PM   #609
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I'm currently collecting (sarcastic, cynical, or just plain funny) one-liners- here are the best ones:

1) Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life

2) A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead

3) The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it

4) Patience will come to those who wait for it

5) I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

6) If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning

7) Wit is educated insolence

8) Knowing what goes on behind my placid exterior, I have a strong suspicion of what goes on behind yours

9) And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

10) I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

11) I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

12)Time may be a great healer, but its an awful beautician.

13)Its as easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841!

14)Hospitality is making your guest feel at home even if you wish they were.

15)Two wrongs dont make a right- three lefts do

16)People who live in a glass house shouldnt.

17)To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research

18)He who throws mud loses ground

19)If at first you dont succeed- destroy all the evidence that you tried!

20)Time flies like an arrow- Fruit flies like a banana

21)Some folks sit and think- others just sit

22)May your trouble be like the old mans teeth. Few and far between

23)The early bird catches the worm. But look what happens to the early worm

24)Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

25)Writing about music is like dancing about architecture


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Unread 01-06-2010, 01:30 PM   #610
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The quintessential Jewish joke: A Gentile probably won't understand it. A Jew heard it already.
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Unread 01-06-2010, 11:41 PM   #611
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Dove - Have you seen the whole entire thread on those? There are a lot of good ones!
http://www.chabadtalk.com/forum/showthread.php3?t=3744
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Unread 01-25-2010, 10:57 AM   #612
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Funny?

As I moved to Eastern Europe recently, I learned a lot of new jokes. :-)

On a cold morning in communistic Sofia there's a long line of people waiting in front of a shop. There's a rumour that there will be bread today.

After two hours of waiting an army sergeant is passing the line and speaks out that there won't be that much bread to feed the whole line. He tells all Jews to go home and gets off.

After another hour a captain passes and tells that the bread will be only given to anyone who was fighting for the army. A lot of people go home and the line is getting shorter again.

Three hours later a colonel on a shiny horse tells the army veterans that only the ones who were decorated fighting in World World I will be getting bread. Most veterans go home, leaving two old soldiers waiting.

Half an hour later the army general's car stops in front of the two grey and cold men. The window opens and the general tells them they probably expected it already, there won't be any bread today.

Frustrated they start walking, when one of them addresses the other:
"It's always the same story, the Jews where the lucky ones."
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Unread 02-02-2010, 06:14 PM   #613
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From Jr.co.il/humor

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and
skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
-- Jules Farber

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been
found.
-- Calvin Trillin

"Never doubt that a small group of dedicated citizens can change
the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."
-- Margaret Mead

Labels
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
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Unread 02-03-2010, 12:44 PM   #614
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A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young
man.

The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what
are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and G-d will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "G-d
will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, G-d will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,
the young idealist insists that G-d will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news
is he thinks I'm G-d."
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Unread 02-03-2010, 01:02 PM   #615
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About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.

The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
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Unread 02-04-2010, 07:32 AM   #616
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A Breslover and a Lubavitcher die the same day and appear before the gates of Gan Eden, awaiting the decisive decision. The Breslover has spent little time in his life in studying Torah, preferring to spend his time dancing on every conceivable versions of "Rabbi Nachman, Nachman M'Uman, Nachman M'Uman, Rabbi Nachman M'Uman" But to his surprise, they've decided he will go to Gan Eden. Conversely, the Lubavitcher has spent his entire life studying Torah, performing the mitzvos in the most perfect fashion he could and, obviously, doing Mivtzaim to bring to the Torah ignorant and less religious Jews; He has shown great Ahavas Yisroel. But to the surprise of all, he is sent to Gehinnom.

The Breslover does not understand and asks the angels: "Why is it that I, who has spent very little time studying Torah, preferring bopping and dancing until no longer knowing how to breathe, am I sent to Gan Eden, while this one has spent his life studying and putting into practice the Torah, and above all, he has shown immense love for his neighbor, and he was sent to Gehinnom?"

The angels reply: "If we send you to Gehinnom, the Gehinnom will be transformed into a disco, but for him, Gehinnom is a chosen field, because if we send him to Gehinnom, even there he will open a Beis Chabad and make a lot of Baal Teshuvah. Sending you to Gan Eden is in fact a punishment for you (it's too quiet, an atmosphere unbearable for you), while sending him to Gehinnom is a reward for him"
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Unread 04-11-2010, 07:55 AM   #617
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The Israeli and the dog

A young man was walking in Paris, when he saw a huge Rottweiler attacking a young girl. Instinctively, he jumped on the dog, struggled against him and eventually neutralize and kill him. Journalists, thrilled by the bravery of the young man ran up to the interviewer: "You are a true hero. You saved a little girl from fangs of a dog murderer! Tell us your name, and tomorrow the headlines in every newspaper will be: "A young Parisian has saved a little girl from jaws of a vicious dog." All Paris will hear about you."

The young man answered: I am not Parisian.

Journalists: OK, but all France will read tomorrow about your noble and worthy feat.

The young man answered: - I'm not French.

Journalists: OK, so the whole of Europe will read that you saved a little girl in a cruel and agonizing death.

The young man answered: I am not European.

Reporters: So where are you friom?

Young man: I am an Israeli.

Journalists: Well, in this case, the headlines tomorrow in the newspapers, will be: "An Israeli man killed the dog of a little girl." And as we have promised, everyone will hear about you !!!...
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Unread 04-10-2012, 02:08 PM   #618
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A brisker comes home from shul during y'mei hasfira and asks his wife what's for supper. So she says to him: "yesterday was chicken".
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Unread 04-11-2012, 01:37 AM   #619
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Marriage is a
Workshop...
where
Husband works
&
Wife Shops...
Happy Weekend!
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Unread 02-06-2017, 06:45 PM   #620
ezrahoerster
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KGB Joke

We all know the relationship between Chabad and the KGB...Not very good. Here is a funny joke concerning the KGB.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
KGB.
KGB who?
In Russian accent: "Vi vill ask di questions!"
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