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Unread 06-04-2003, 02:25 PM   #201
hishtatchus
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Shmush- don't judge all Mashpia scenarios from your friend... and remember, it takes time to get "un-messed up."
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Unread 06-07-2003, 07:37 AM   #202
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also, shmush, u have no idea whats s-l-o-w-l-y building up inside your friend.... dont judge on that. and, there's no such thing as 'i'm not built for that'- the Rebbe wanted it for EVERYONE. if u consider u'self a person here in this world, u'r part of everyone. and also, by us getting a mashpia, we're not doing the Rebbe a favor. we're only doing ourselves a favor. the Rebbe did US a favor by telling us to get one...
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Unread 06-08-2003, 04:51 AM   #203
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zaque, yeah, i reckon it is a reason to bless cuz i don't like relying on other ppl. if u don't get used to it, u learn to manage things by urself and tha'ts better.
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Unread 06-08-2003, 03:49 PM   #204
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its seens like the rebbe didnt agree with that!
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Unread 06-08-2003, 04:32 PM   #205
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chaval
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Unread 06-08-2003, 05:00 PM   #206
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Quote:
Originally posted by shmush
zaque, yeah, i reckon it is a reason to bless cuz i don't like relying on other ppl. if u don't get used to it, u learn to manage things by urself and tha'ts better.
-you dont have to RELY on him/her.
-Usually (always?) you cannot judge yourself objectively, u need someone from the outside.
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Unread 06-09-2003, 07:24 PM   #207
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B"h ive been blessed with two wonderful mashpios and I just got my third. Over time, I changed, my needs changed and sub-sequently my mashpia changed. Looking back over the years I really see how each mashpia was really perfect for my particular place in life. Not to say it was always easy, I feel a lot of compassion and admiration for my mashpios for surviving me, but with the clear guidance of the rebbe I realy gained a lot from them and from our relationships.
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Unread 06-10-2003, 03:13 AM   #208
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iamachassid - thats gr8, but i still think that it's not for everyone.
btw, how did you 'get rid of' your mashpias for new ones? u just told them, 'you're not good enough any more?'
it just seems like such a foreign concept to me. in my mind strong ppl manage by themselves, weak ppl go crying for help for every tiny thing that happens.
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Unread 06-10-2003, 04:03 AM   #209
hishtatchus
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Strong people know that it's a sign of courage to benefit from others; weak people seek to hide their own failing by avoiding anything they feel smacks of "weakness".
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Unread 06-10-2003, 05:29 AM   #210
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that so doesn't make sense. A strong person can deal with their own issues and a weak person can't. you're like, totally twisting it around.
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Unread 06-10-2003, 11:45 AM   #211
iamachassid
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a child starts off being dependent, he needs everything from other people. as a person gets older, around teenhood, they want to be independent, they dont need anybody, especially not their parents. Hopefully the next stage, the healthy and mature one, is interdependence. I can manage on my own but a friend, or a mentor can help me do a better job and the feeling is mutual. Its not wrong or babyish to help and be helped by someone.
By the time I changed mashpios it was obvious to both of us that I had moved on in life and needed something more. I still love and respect my former mashpios, I can still speak to them but life moves on. when I told them, it was basically out of courtesy to confirm something they already knew. When you get to that point (when, not if) it'll make a lot more sense than hearing it second hand but it works.
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Unread 06-10-2003, 04:31 PM   #212
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A very important point to remember is that usually the mashpia isn't in it for herself, for her ego or whatever. She's there to fulfill the rebbe's directive and to help guide you to become a better person. Once you both realize that she's not the best one to give you guidance, you don't have to feel disloyal or unapreciative. Her job is over and she knows it too.
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Unread 06-10-2003, 11:39 PM   #213
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Shmush- YOU'RE the one who's totally twisting things around. Asking someone for advice and guidance is not giving your problem to someone else. It's not "running to someone with everything that comes up". Getting an objective opinion is sort of like asking a friend how you look. I wouldn't call THAT the mark of a weak person...

Anyway, Hashem gave us many people to help and advise us. Only a fool will refuse all offers of assistance and do everything himself to "prove" his "strength." Not a sign of Bittul...

A strong person has enough humility to know that he doesn't know everything.
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Unread 06-12-2003, 01:59 AM   #214
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Quote:
Originally posted by hishtatchus
Getting an objective opinion is sort of like asking a friend how you look. I wouldn't call THAT the mark of a weak person...
i would. if u need to know from someone else whether u look okay, ur depending on their opinion and that's pathetic.
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Unread 06-12-2003, 08:11 AM   #215
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Asking someone's opinion is not depending on it.
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Unread 06-15-2003, 01:09 AM   #216
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Shmush, people "use" their mashpios for different things. Some questions that I would ask my mashpia my friend wouldn't, for her own reasons. Some issues that you would talk over with your mashpia another person might talk it over with their sister, or teacher, or who knows what. So I'm sure there are things in your life that you can admit, if you try hard enough, that you wouldn't mind being "weak" and speaking to someone about. Even if its not an officeial "mashpia-mushpa" relationship at first.
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Unread 06-16-2003, 03:01 PM   #217
shlucha16
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mashpia

i have a diff queston ive had a mashpia for
almost a year now and then i decide dhtat she wasn'tgood
enough for me so i got s/o
else without dumbing the first the only prob is that now i see that
i like the first one better how do i tell off the 2nd in a nice way
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Unread 06-16-2003, 03:11 PM   #218
Shlucha
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a) stop talking to her and she'll get the hint after a while
b) tell her that she doesn't fit your needs anymore (IN A NICE WAY!)
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Unread 06-16-2003, 03:15 PM   #219
shlucha16
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i tried not talkjing to her i didn't callher for a whole 2 months and if i see her on the street she ll how is everyhting, i want to tell her but i don't know how
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Unread 06-16-2003, 03:20 PM   #220
farshtuptemench
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is it hard for you to express what you feel to her? If not then you may want to tell her that she hasn't really been helping accomplish what you wanted to and you felt that you should find someone who may be more of a help and a spiritual guide.
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Unread 06-16-2003, 03:56 PM   #221
hishtatchus
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Shlucha16-
It's often easier to write down things when you're not comfortable saying them. Try writing her a nice letter expressing what you feel.

Also, remember that a Mashpia views a Mushpa as a responsibility, not a mark of status. If it doesn't work out, it's like a Shidduch: nothing personal, but sometimes people don't match.
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Unread 06-16-2003, 04:12 PM   #222
shlucha16
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i guess thats what i should i do write an emaik or somehtng, but you don't think that she would be hurt if i told her that, like kind of like insulted by the matter,
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Unread 06-16-2003, 04:17 PM   #223
hishtatchus
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I've had to do it .

I honestly thought that my Mashpia would be very hurt, but someone pointed out that it is more likely that they feel relieved of a responsibility! Of course they may feel a bit sad that it didn't work out, but you can still be her friend- you don't need to cut off contact completely.
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Unread 06-16-2003, 04:51 PM   #224
shlucha16
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histatchus thanx a lot i really appreciate hopefully it will all work out have a great day , see ya
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Unread 07-01-2003, 05:55 AM   #225
shmush
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Quote:
Originally posted by hishtatchus
Asking someone's opinion is not depending on it.
depends why you're asking. in your example of asking a friend how u look, whats the point? What would you do if she said u look horrible? would u go and change? if yes, then that's depending on her opinion!
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