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Unread 07-01-2003, 01:03 PM   #226
hishtatchus
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If your friend tactfully points out to you that the skirt looks too tight on you, I hope you would change!
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Unread 07-03-2003, 06:58 AM   #227
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so because she thinks it's too tight, u have to think it's too tight? people have VERY differen't ideas of "too tight" and if you're going to go and change the minute anyone tells you something is "too" anything, tha'ts depending.
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Unread 07-03-2003, 11:40 AM   #228
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Shmush- there's a concept called "interdependence." Right now, you seem to be locked into the "independence" stage.

If Hashem wanted us all to be entirely self-sufficient, He would have created us each on individual desert islands. Hashem created concepts of Tzedaka, Minyan, Ahavas Yisroel- to show us that we are meant to work TOGETHER. That means giving- and taking.

In the meantime you don't seem to feel that you are ready to get a Mashpia. That is understandable, but realize that it is a failing in yourself, not a failing in the concept of Mashpia.
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Unread 07-03-2003, 06:28 PM   #229
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and youre missing out on something very enriching.
this is my own theory and I find it works with some other things Im too embarrasesd to mention but it definitely works wwith mashpia. You can rationalize it, analyze it, think about it, disagree with it, think its the worst thing in the world, it makes no sense its impossible and undoable. And then you do it, you get a mashpia, you speak to her, you ask her things. And suddenly all your philosophy falls away. Youre doing something without stopping for the questions. It feels right and it comes out right, even if each step isnt premeditated. And especially when you know its the kochos of the rebbe. JUst do it, just get a mashpia and speak to her and then well see what arguments you have. Good luck!
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Unread 07-03-2003, 08:28 PM   #230
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right hisht- and you're perfect, of course

Last edited by shmush; 07-05-2003 at 11:11 PM.
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Unread 07-03-2003, 08:57 PM   #231
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shmush:

two things:

1- grow up. Hisht was not attacking and what she said wasn't even controversial, so apologize.

2- A simple rule: If a friend thinks your skirt is too tight, then it's too tight. The exception to this is if the friend is mentally deranged and wears a literal potato sack all week long.
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Unread 07-10-2003, 10:18 PM   #232
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I know this thread is regarding having a mashpia and you are discussing the details of it and all that, but what about if you cannot find a mashpia that fits you? What to do in the meantime? Ask a rav? An older sibling?
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Unread 07-11-2003, 12:09 AM   #233
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I'm going to give you the classic answer thats been given over and over in this thread. A mashpia is not binding, it's not a shidduch for life. Find someone who's "ok" in the meantime, as you look for someone else who is better.

But that answer didn't work for me! It's hard enough to ask someone to be your mashpia, let alone ask another person to be it "meanwhile" and then have to tell them later...

Now it depends what you have to speak to them about. If its questions that could be asked to a Rav, I guess in the meantime you should ask a Rav. If you need to talk something over, find someone to talk it over with. But you really should find someone who could be your official mashpia as soon as you can.
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Unread 07-11-2003, 05:05 PM   #234
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Amen
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Unread 08-13-2003, 03:21 PM   #235
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<<(as opposed to the type who is a 16 year old girl chosen by a 14 year old girl to advise her,>>

This was mentioned in another thread about a mashpia. So say a person does have "this kind" of mashpia (as opposed to a older, respected person who is the mashpia for lots of people), when is it time to move on and get the other kind?
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Unread 08-14-2003, 01:16 PM   #236
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Your Mashpia needs to be able to advise you on your current issues. In Yeshiva / high school, it may actually be better for you to have a Mashpia who is not far out of that stage, so the experiences and nisyonos are still clear.

Once your issues are marriage and children, it is a good idea to get someone older and more experienced. Many people recommend finding a Mashpia who has married off children, so they have seen both perspectives.

In general, there are no hard and fast rules- if you still feel comfortable and benefit from the relationship, it's probably a good thing.
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Unread 08-14-2003, 01:44 PM   #237
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Or even when your issues have changed from high school stuff but your not yet up to marriage and children. There are no clear rules for when to move on, do it when you feel ready and you feel the need.
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Unread 09-08-2003, 04:33 PM   #238
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http://chabad.info/bm/index.php?maga...goto_id&id=159
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Unread 11-01-2003, 09:39 PM   #239
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This is a mashpia question. I have a real mashpia, C., a wonderful person but I don't feel comfortable talking to her so she really only bears the title mashpia but I have nothing to do with her. Instead I talk to my previous mashpia, R. B.. This one knows what I'm talking about and tells me what to do. The problem with her is that she's too right. If I ask her something I know she'll give me a logical, sensible answer but then I feel like I'm being bullied, so to speak, into doing what I don't want to do, doing the right thing. There's just no way out with her. I can't talk to my real mashpia, C., I really can't. I don't know anyone else who can be my mashpia but I think I'm going to become mashpia-less for a while, either until I am able to accept R. B.'s advice or until I find someone else. I don't want to miss out on having a mashpia and making mistakes on my own but I don't know what else to do.
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Unread 12-07-2003, 02:44 AM   #240
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If you don't feel comfortable talking to someone, regardless how wonderful that person may be, s/he is unsuitable as mashpia.

If you feel "bullied" by someone, then that person is also not for you: In the sicha of Shoftim '51 the Rebbe explains the difference between a shofet (judge) and a yoetz (advisor). A shofet orders, and the people must obey whether they like it or not. The yoetz suggests for the mekabel based on the mekabel's voluntary choice of the yoetz, and relates to him on the level of the mekabel, in a way that the mekabel FEELS that the advice is good FOR HIM, and thus accepts it WILLINGLY.
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Unread 12-07-2003, 03:19 AM   #241
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You cannot expect to become comfortable talking to your Mashpia instantly! It just doesn't work that way in life.

My tried-and-true suggestion is to learn with your Mashpia, once every week or every two weeks. After doing this several times, you can more accurately judge how comfortable you can feel talking to them.

But just as you would not tell all to a casual acquaintance, you can't expect yourself to open up to a new Mashpia instantly. I'm sure that when you first met this old Mashpia your conversations didn't flow so smoothly!

Give it time, and give it an opportunity to succeed: Learn with your new Mashpia!
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Unread 12-07-2003, 03:27 AM   #242
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There seems to be a specific reason that the relationship with iamachassid's new mashpia isn't working out. There must have been SOME rapport with the new mashpia from the outset, or else I assume that she wouldn't have been appointed in the first place!
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Unread 05-19-2004, 04:06 PM   #243
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by Rabbi Menachem Meir Blau

At one of the yechidusin, regarding one of my questions, the Rebbe said I should ask my mashpia. I was learning in 770 at the time, and there were a number of mashpiim. I asked the Rebbe which mashpia would give me the proper answers. The Rebbe said: Speak to whichever mashpia you feel drawn to.
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Unread 05-19-2004, 04:11 PM   #244
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also from Rabbi Blau

... we got another shlichus offer, here in Crown Heights, at Machon Chana. The school was looking for a couple to live in the dormitory as house parents.

We had a yechidus and I asked the Rebbe whether we should accept the job. The Rebbe asked us whether we would have privacy there, because a married couple needs privacy. My wife answered that the hanhala told her we would have our own rooms within the dorm. The Rebbe seemed satisfied with that.

Then the Rebbe asked: What do they have in mind – are they looking for someone to run the maintenance of the building or for a mashpia for the girls? We said they were looking for a mashpia for the girls.

The Rebbe said: If so, then it would be better not to live there because when a mashpia lives with his mushpaim, it diminishes his influence because he becomes overly close with the mushpaim. A mashpia needs to be a bit above his mushpaim.

We turned down the offer and then the Gansburgs took the position and are enormously successful in it. May they continue to be so for many more years to come.
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Unread 05-19-2004, 04:28 PM   #245
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This may have been posted before, I don't remember and I don't want to look. Before I get a mashpia I like to have something to do with her, some way for us to get to know each other a bit before she's inaugurated. I think I know who my next victim is but I'm not sure how to get to know her. Learning wouldn't work cuz B"H I already have enough great chavrusas and I'm already learning the subject that I would learn with my up-and-coming mashpia and I don't think our schedules coincide. Any ideas?
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Unread 05-19-2004, 05:28 PM   #246
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jude
Then the Rebbe asked: What do they have in mind – are they looking for someone to run the maintenance of the building or for a mashpia for the girls? We said they were looking for a mashpia for the girls.

The Rebbe said: If so, then it would be better not to live there because when a mashpia lives with his mushpaim, it diminishes his influence because he becomes overly close with the mushpaim. A mashpia needs to be a bit above his mushpaim.

We turned down the offer and then the Gansburgs took the position and are enormously successful in it. May they continue to be so for many more years to come.
so Mrs. Gansburg not supposed to be a mashpia for girls? i thought she is ...
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Unread 05-19-2004, 05:54 PM   #247
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it would be interesting to hear from the Gansburgs, what the Rebbe's answers were to them about their position in the school
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Unread 05-19-2004, 05:54 PM   #248
iamachassid
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could be they know how to maintain their privacy even though they're living together with the girls, more than the Blau's could have done it.
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Unread 05-19-2004, 06:08 PM   #249
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the privacy issue seems to be one issue (and the Rebbe was satisfied with what the Blaus told him about that)

the question is in living on the premises and being a mashpia

Quote:
We said they were looking for a mashpia for the girls.

The Rebbe said: If so, then it would be better not to live there because when a mashpia lives with his mushpaim, it diminishes his influence because he becomes overly close with the mushpaim. A mashpia needs to be a bit above his mushpaim.
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Unread 05-17-2005, 05:36 PM   #250
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Quote:
Originally Posted by unowho
yeah i must saqy my person that i talk to is trying ot get me to see a professoinal and for a very good reason but nuthing beats the person hu knows you as well as the prob . but u never know im actually considereing it b/c sum probs your person just cant handle ontheir own. but mb what u can do if u are hesitant to go to a professoinal you can go TOGETHER WITH you mashpia
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE speak (or write) like a mensch. This post was quite difficult to understand.
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