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Unread 01-02-2008, 06:03 PM   #151
Bittul
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A pinky finger is a yetzer hara?
No, a pinky finger is not a Yetzer Hora. The desire of a man to stare at and admire a pinky finger is a Yetzer Hora.
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Unread 01-02-2008, 08:00 PM   #152
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The girl is CLEARLY a Lubavitcher, and we as one family

Good job! lol, what makes it clear? im interested in knowing, its nothing bad dw
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Unread 01-02-2008, 08:02 PM   #153
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Baruch Hashem!!! You will be blessed for this big time!!! Let me think about what you could tell him.....
AMEN!
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Unread 01-02-2008, 08:06 PM   #154
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You could tell him that you're only 16 and when you're ready to start going out on shidduchim you might be able to go out with him again. You can tell him some of the things that people have posted here. It will be good for him to hear the truth. I think he should hear your own reasons for your decision.
He is also 16 and im pretty sure i dont want to marry him, we are/were just having fun and got close in the relationship know what i mean? im firm in my decision that this in wrong and i want to stop but how? i mean just lik ethat? (its impossible, would never work to just cut off communication even when we both agree why we need stop and we both agree to stop.) any ideas plz?
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Unread 01-02-2008, 08:07 PM   #155
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Esther Yaffa, it seems to me that it would still be best for me to look into a shidduch with Chaya Yehudis first and then to consider a shidduch with you G*d willing at a later time. I am sorry, but this is the way I feel right now. All the best.[/quote]

what is this supposed to mean?
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Unread 01-02-2008, 09:10 PM   #156
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You're going to have to sooner or later put it quite clearly on the table and END IT! So I don't know what you mean by "just like that!"
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Unread 01-02-2008, 09:10 PM   #157
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You are asking Hiphoppy what he meant? It means about as much as most of his posts.
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Unread 01-02-2008, 10:21 PM   #158
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He is also 16 and im pretty sure i dont want to marry him, we are/were just having fun and got close in the relationship know what i mean? im firm in my decision that this in wrong and i want to stop but how? i mean just lik ethat? (its impossible, would never work to just cut off communication even when we both agree why we need stop and we both agree to stop.) any ideas plz?
Could you open up to your mom or dad (or both) and ask them for their advice?

I might say to him that it's really not personal, I liked your company, but it has been bothering me for a long time for religious reasons and I have come to the conclusion that I want to start living more by the Torah and the traditions of Israel. I need to work on developing closer relationships with other girls and even older women at this point in my life. You may not understand this but I also don't want to put a spiritual stumbling block in front of you as well as in front of myself. I really feel that for us to go out together is wrong and we both really know it. At least I really know it and I hope that you will eventually come to know it too. I want to live more like a Jew, I want to give nachas to Hashem and I think it's worth waiting another couple of years to have a relationship with a boy and that boy will be my husband. I feel I need to do this to prepare myself for getting married and becoming a mother in just a few more short years. I hope you will eventually feel the same way that I do for your own good and for the good of your own future family.

I really feel that you should ask your parents about this if you can. If not, then a grandparent or some other loving relative. Or someone else you know loves you.
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Unread 01-02-2008, 10:38 PM   #159
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You are asking Hiphoppy what he meant? It means about as much as most of his posts.
Hu???? im just curious how he figured it out not that its too hard, but im just wondering what posts etc..

Mr. flikentein: I cant really tell any relatives about this u know like to save my skin . also this guy is a frum lubav bochur from yeshiva here so can you talk like in normal terms, its just easier to understand (keep in mind that hes more in luv with me then i am with him)
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Unread 01-02-2008, 10:53 PM   #160
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JewishHiphop was RIGHT, did you hear that everyone?! He's smarter than all of us put together!

Don't worry about hurting his feelings. You know why? Because his feelings WILL get hurt no matter what. This will be a growing experience for him. Tell him to speak to a therapist about it if he has trouble handling it. You have to tell him just like that, that you need to stop. If he asks you if you love him, just tell him the truth. This is what happens when you get into relationships before you get married - you get hurt. And in this case he's the one who will get hurt. Don't drag it out any longer and lead him on even more. The longer you wait the more painful it will be for him.
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Unread 01-02-2008, 11:10 PM   #161
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R. Bukiet from Lexington Mass. once said a remarkable story. A fellow in his community was caught up with all sort of cults and no amount of talk from ANYONE would persuade him to budge one inch! Finaly Rabbi Bukiet took him to his father, the late Rabbi Bukiet ZT"L of Lubavitcher Yeshiva. The man was in the room for a couple of minutes and walked out telling R. Bukiet junior, "I'm through with this phase and am ready to go on my life like a Torah Jew!" R. Bukiet was shocked! He asked him what it was that his father said to him that everyone for years wasn't able to do?
The man answered, "He gave me a sincere look and told me but 2 words -
"DROP IT!"...
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Unread 01-03-2008, 01:03 AM   #162
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Its not an issue of hurting feelings btw if he asked me if i loved him the answer is yes. the issue is how do i just break off communication i mean we love each other we have a great relationship. say we stop seeing each other and talking live, so that i/we can do pretty easily i hope. but texting and emailing? i need help with how to drop that -and quickly. yes i fully agree with all of you we ARE in this too deep, but i find the issue is often that our schools and yeshivos make it too easy to find each other- there arent enough limits set now im not blaming this on th eschools but you know i fthey would be stricter and maybe reach out more to the students individually then perhaps this could have been avoided alltogether (mind the rambling bit plz)
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Unread 01-03-2008, 06:54 AM   #163
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No, a pinky finger is not a Yetzer Hora. The desire of a man to stare at and admire a pinky finger is a Yetzer Hora.
Who sits there looking at pinky fingers? (Meshulam- that was what I was laughing at...it's a funny thing to think about, that people look at pinky fingers and admire them.)
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Unread 01-03-2008, 09:02 AM   #164
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It's funny to think of people looking at noses and admiring them. But they do. It seems that you are very innocent when it comes to the minds of males. That's a good thing. Your attitude towards Chazal is a bad thing. Time for some Teshuvah.
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Unread 01-03-2008, 09:35 AM   #165
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Its not an issue of hurting feelings btw if he asked me if i loved him the answer is yes.
I'm confused. Before it sounded as if he loved you but you didn't really love him. That's what I thought you said.



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the issue is how do i just break off communication i mean we love each other we have a great relationship.
I'm confused again. You said before that you are pretty certain that you don't want to marry him. But here you're saying you're both in love????

Please clarify.
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Unread 01-03-2008, 03:48 PM   #166
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It's funny to think of people looking at noses and admiring them. But they do. It seems that you are very innocent when it comes to the minds of males. That's a good thing. Your attitude towards Chazal is a bad thing. Time for some Teshuvah.
I analyzed my teachers' faces, and sometimes I did my friends' too. There were some noses I liked better than my own. But a pinky? Whatever. I feel sorry for anyone who lookes at my 5-centimeter pinky and admires it...and does whatever else. I didn't mean to criticize chaza"l, ch"v. Ashamnu, bagadnu...chatati...nu. I just don't understand- and can't fathom- how a pinky presents a problem. I also don't understand what makes a woman's elbow different than a man's, besides that one belongs to her, and the other to him. But yeah, whatever.
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Unread 01-03-2008, 03:50 PM   #167
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I'm confused. Before it sounded as if he loved you but you didn't really love him. That's what I thought you said.

I'm confused again. You said before that you are pretty certain that you don't want to marry him. But here you're saying you're both in love????

Please clarify.
Mr.Finkel- they 'love' each other (although neither one knows the true meaning of that word). But they both admit they're not thinking of getting married, since they're not up to there yet, and they're only 16. Now do you understand?
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Unread 01-03-2008, 03:58 PM   #168
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I analyzed my teachers' faces, and sometimes I did my friends' too. There were some noses I liked better than my own. But a pinky? Whatever. I feel sorry for anyone who lookes at my 5-centimeter pinky and admires it...and does whatever else. I didn't mean to criticize chaza"l, ch"v. Ashamnu, bagadnu...chatati...nu. I just don't understand- and can't fathom- how a pinky presents a problem. I also don't understand what makes a woman's elbow different than a man's, besides that one belongs to her, and the other to him. But yeah, whatever.
Can we please stop this conversation? Talk to your mashpiim or mashpiot privately about it. Thanks.
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Unread 01-03-2008, 04:02 PM   #169
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Mr.Finkel- they 'love' each other (although neither one knows the true meaning of that word). But they both admit they're not thinking of getting married, since they're not up to there yet, and they're only 16. Now do you understand?
No I don't really understand what the issue is. They want to stop but don't think it's possible. To me it looks like there is a good chance they will eventually get married if they already love each other so much. If this is so, then I think they should tell their parents right now and their parents will advise them how to proceed.
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Unread 01-03-2008, 04:57 PM   #170
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And I don't understand how woman can go shopping for shoes for hours. And buy so many pairs of shoes. But I accept the reality. And it isn't even a Chazal.
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Unread 01-03-2008, 05:02 PM   #171
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No I don't really understand what the issue is. They want to stop but don't think it's possible. To me it looks like there is a good chance they will eventually get married if they already love each other so much. If this is so, then I think they should tell their parents right now and their parents will advise them how to proceed.
They don't love each other, they're attracted to each other. That's the whole point. They're 16 years old, and should stop, but don't know how.

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And I don't understand how woman can go shopping for shoes for hours. And buy so many pairs of shoes. But I accept the reality. And it isn't even a Chazal.
I don't understand that either.
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Unread 01-03-2008, 05:22 PM   #172
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They're 16 years old, and should stop, but don't know how.
Would learning about Gehennom help? She could say to him, "If you wanna go to Gehennom, get there on your own, but I'm not gonna help you get there."
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Unread 01-03-2008, 06:00 PM   #173
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He is also 16 and im pretty sure i dont want to marry him, we are/were just having fun and got close in the relationship know what i mean? im firm in my decision that this in wrong and i want to stop but how? i mean just lik ethat? (its impossible, would never work to just cut off communication even when we both agree why we need stop and we both agree to stop.) any ideas plz?
One gentle way to deal with this is to tell him that you're not sure and want to try taking a break for a week or two to think about it. After that, I think you'll find yourself feeling stronger and be able to end the relationship permanently. This will also give him time to get used to the idea of ending it.

Hope this helps!
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Unread 01-03-2008, 06:46 PM   #174
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I would prefer the gentle way too (see my earlier posts). But she doesn't sound so open to the gentle way.
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Unread 01-03-2008, 07:16 PM   #175
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Mr.Finkel- they 'love' each other (although neither one knows the true meaning of that word). But they both admit they're not thinking of getting married, since they're not up to there yet, and they're only 16. Now do you understand?
B"H

Is 'love before marriage' recommended in chassidic circles?
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