Feelings for a boy at 15, how to deal with it? - Jewish Forum & Discussions

wewantmoshiach · 07-26-2010, 11:27 PM

ok. so basically i am a frum teenage girl and i go to a lubavitch school where we have absolutely no contact with boys.
here's the thing:i want to get married. i know that sound ridiculous, but im 15 years old and i have a desperate longing to get married. i dont talk to boys at all.the last time i talked to a boy was probably in 8th grade when i went to a co-ed school and didn't really have a choice.
how am i supposed to live my life when i long all day to have a deep relationship with the opposite gender? i have three whole years till i can legally get married...not that my parents necessarily would let...
how am i supposed to deal with this?
also there is a certain boy who i have very strong feelings for....
thanks in advance for your amazing advice!

noahidelaws · 07-27-2010, 12:03 AM

If you don't talk to boys at all, how is it that you have "very strong feelings" for a particular boy?

wewantmoshiach · 07-27-2010, 12:48 AM

Believe me, it's possible...

Shabbos · 07-27-2010, 12:04 PM

First of all, realize that your feelings are totally natural. Different people have a yetzer hara for different things, and yours happens to be strong in this area. And yes, this is very possible even without ever talking to boys.
Second, ask yourself why you want to get married. Is it for a reason of kedusha, and in the best interest of you and your family? Or is it because you want to have an emotional relationship with the opposite gender? There is a reason that you can't legally get married until you're 18, and that is because as mature and wonderful of a girl as you probably already are, you still have a lot of growing to do.
So my advice is that when you have thoughts like this, try and distract yourself. You are not a bad person for having them, but the fact that Hashem is giving you this test also means that you are able to overcome it. Getting married is not in your best interest and you know that. Remember that " המוח שליט על הלב", your mind is in control of your heart's feelings.

noahidelaws · 07-27-2010, 02:09 PM

WWM: As intense as your feelings may be for this boy, you need to understand that this is what they call "puppy love", and not necessarily a basis for marriage.

Shmully · 07-27-2010, 08:33 PM

WWM, these feelings are normal, as Shabbos says. One thing that you certainly want is to enjoy many decades of happily married life. By getting married when you are more mature, and will have a lot more to bring in to the marriage, you will have a much deeper, more satisfying and long lasting relationship when the time comes. Holding back now (a few years), is an investment to enhance many decades of married bliss. The key is to teach your mind to be in control of your emotions (Moach Shalit al haLev, as Shabbos wrote). To help this along, it is a good idea to get involved and to throw yourself into activities which are appropriate for your present age. This will help you in not surrendering to your emotions, and will greatly enhance you, and will help you when the time comes, to be a better partner.

wewantmoshiach · 07-27-2010, 09:01 PM

Shabbos and shmully: I agree completely with everything you said. It's so hard though! what happens when there are no activities to throw myself into? during the school year, it's not as big of a problem, but now, during the summer, i don't know what to do about it....especially since the boy is a counselor in my city...and his family lives in the city that i go to school in...
what are some ways to practice moach shalet al halev?
thanks!

Shabbos · 07-27-2010, 09:41 PM

It can definitely be tough at times. A good way to deal with these feelings is to focus on the positive, rather than the negative. Think about the good effects of not being married/with this boy - think about what you ARE doing, rather than what you CAN'T do. You are doing what the Rebbe wants you to do. You are having a good effect on your neshoma. You are preparing yourself to be a better wife in the future by saving your relationships until then - the Rebbe said that "If you are close when you should be far, then you will be far when you should be close" - so certainly the opposite is true too. Think about how you are overcoming your yetzer hara by overcoming these thoughts and feelings. Also remember that feelings like these are often short-lived, and in a few months, you may be totally over this boy...

Shmully · 07-28-2010, 07:34 AM

WWM: In addition to the excellent points by Shabbos, it would be great if you could find a positive way to channel your energies. If there are no activities in your town, how about creating some? Helping younger children; or senior citizens; helping a Shliach; or doing Mivtzoyim; or a study project (if you are in to learning)
Do you have friends who live in your town?

Agent40 · 08-21-2010, 11:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shmully

WWM: In addition to the excellent points by Shabbos, it would be great if you could find a positive way to channel your energies. If there are no activities in your town, how about creating some? Helping younger children; or senior citizens; helping a Shliach; or doing Mivtzoyim; or a study project (if you are in to learning)
Do you have friends who live in your town?

B'h
I agree with this advice! I also do think that despite how u feel ur parents would feel about this u should be open with them about ur feelings. U never know how they may react ,seriously what do u have to lose..........
Hatzlacha

lubagrl · 08-22-2010, 12:22 PM

hmmm why do you want to get MARRIED? as in apposed to just having a relationship with him? But you should know that by not talking to him your doing an amazing thing, and tell yourself that you dont need him, you can be MUCH happier by being a gr8 chassidish girl, and girlfriends are wayyyyy better, (so much fun to be hyper with etc!!) and your wayyyy better off that way. Trust me it can get so complicated and chances are even though it may be fun to be with him theres (almost) for sure gonna be some kind of negativity....your gonna find stuff about him you really dont like, your feelings for him might get complicated (im not exactly sure how to explain it but trust me), and every boy can be a pervert no offence to anyone out there. AND you can end up getting emotianally attached to him and not be able to stop thinking about him its not worth it.
its definately not all its cracked up to be

Vechaby770 · 08-23-2010, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wewantmoshiach

ok. so basically i am a frum teenage girl and i go to a lubavitch school where we have absolutely no contact with boys.
here's the thing:i want to get married. i know that sound ridiculous, but im 15 years old and i have a desperate longing to get married. i dont talk to boys at all.the last time i talked to a boy was probably in 8th grade when i went to a co-ed school and didn't really have a choice.
how am i supposed to live my life when i long all day to have a deep relationship with the opposite gender? i have three whole years till i can legally get married...not that my parents necessarily would let...
how am i supposed to deal with this?
also there is a certain boy who i have very strong feelings for....
thanks in advance for your amazing advice!

one thing i notice nearly every1 empathized with you but hardly anybody answered your question.
in any event get involved in projects
or make ur own
(i'm actually trying to get a few off the ground email me for more info)
write a book/magazine
success in ur endeavor

mosheh5769 · 08-24-2010, 06:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vechaby770

one thing i notice nearly every1 empathized with you but hardly anybody answered your question.

Every advices that were given by Shabbos and Shmully in this thread were in fact genuine and very good answers.

Agent40 · 08-24-2010, 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mosheh5769

Every advices that were given by Shabbos and Shmully in this thread were in fact genuine and very good answers.

B'h

'Every'? don't you mean 'all' .

Anyways Vechaby I like your advice too, I see u have changed your signature.

07-26-2010, 11:27 PM	#1
wewantmoshiach Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 9	Feelings for a boy at 15, how to deal with it? ok. so basically i am a frum teenage girl and i go to a lubavitch school where we have absolutely no contact with boys. here's the thing:i want to get married. i know that sound ridiculous, but im 15 years old and i have a desperate longing to get married. i dont talk to boys at all.the last time i talked to a boy was probably in 8th grade when i went to a co-ed school and didn't really have a choice. how am i supposed to live my life when i long all day to have a deep relationship with the opposite gender? i have three whole years till i can legally get married...not that my parents necessarily would let... how am i supposed to deal with this? also there is a certain boy who i have very strong feelings for.... thanks in advance for your amazing advice!

08-22-2010, 12:22 PM	#11
lubagrl Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 18	hmmm why do you want to get MARRIED? as in apposed to just having a relationship with him? But you should know that by not talking to him your doing an amazing thing, and tell yourself that you dont need him, you can be MUCH happier by being a gr8 chassidish girl, and girlfriends are wayyyyy better, (so much fun to be hyper with etc!!) and your wayyyy better off that way. Trust me it can get so complicated and chances are even though it may be fun to be with him theres (almost) for sure gonna be some kind of negativity....your gonna find stuff about him you really dont like, your feelings for him might get complicated (im not exactly sure how to explain it but trust me), and every boy can be a pervert no offence to anyone out there. AND you can end up getting emotianally attached to him and not be able to stop thinking about him its not worth it. its definately not all its cracked up to be __________________ mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young!

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07-27-2010, 12:03 AM	#2
noahidelaws Executive Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 7,479	If you don't talk to boys at all, how is it that you have "very strong feelings" for a particular boy?

07-27-2010, 12:48 AM	#3
wewantmoshiach Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 9	Believe me, it's possible...

07-27-2010, 12:04 PM	#4
Shabbos Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 123	First of all, realize that your feelings are totally natural. Different people have a yetzer hara for different things, and yours happens to be strong in this area. And yes, this is very possible even without ever talking to boys. Second, ask yourself why you want to get married. Is it for a reason of kedusha, and in the best interest of you and your family? Or is it because you want to have an emotional relationship with the opposite gender? There is a reason that you can't legally get married until you're 18, and that is because as mature and wonderful of a girl as you probably already are, you still have a lot of growing to do. So my advice is that when you have thoughts like this, try and distract yourself. You are not a bad person for having them, but the fact that Hashem is giving you this test also means that you are able to overcome it. Getting married is not in your best interest and you know that. Remember that " המוח שליט על הלב", your mind is in control of your heart's feelings.

07-27-2010, 02:09 PM	#5
noahidelaws Executive Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 7,479	WWM: As intense as your feelings may be for this boy, you need to understand that this is what they call "puppy love", and not necessarily a basis for marriage.

07-27-2010, 08:33 PM	#6
Shmully Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 138	WWM, these feelings are normal, as Shabbos says. One thing that you certainly want is to enjoy many decades of happily married life. By getting married when you are more mature, and will have a lot more to bring in to the marriage, you will have a much deeper, more satisfying and long lasting relationship when the time comes. Holding back now (a few years), is an investment to enhance many decades of married bliss. The key is to teach your mind to be in control of your emotions (Moach Shalit al haLev, as Shabbos wrote). To help this along, it is a good idea to get involved and to throw yourself into activities which are appropriate for your present age. This will help you in not surrendering to your emotions, and will greatly enhance you, and will help you when the time comes, to be a better partner.

07-27-2010, 09:01 PM	#7
wewantmoshiach Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 9	Shabbos and shmully: I agree completely with everything you said. It's so hard though! what happens when there are no activities to throw myself into? during the school year, it's not as big of a problem, but now, during the summer, i don't know what to do about it....especially since the boy is a counselor in my city...and his family lives in the city that i go to school in... what are some ways to practice moach shalet al halev? thanks!

07-27-2010, 09:41 PM	#8
Shabbos Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 123	It can definitely be tough at times. A good way to deal with these feelings is to focus on the positive, rather than the negative. Think about the good effects of not being married/with this boy - think about what you ARE doing, rather than what you CAN'T do. You are doing what the Rebbe wants you to do. You are having a good effect on your neshoma. You are preparing yourself to be a better wife in the future by saving your relationships until then - the Rebbe said that "If you are close when you should be far, then you will be far when you should be close" - so certainly the opposite is true too. Think about how you are overcoming your yetzer hara by overcoming these thoughts and feelings. Also remember that feelings like these are often short-lived, and in a few months, you may be totally over this boy...

07-28-2010, 07:34 AM	#9
Shmully Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 138	WWM: In addition to the excellent points by Shabbos, it would be great if you could find a positive way to channel your energies. If there are no activities in your town, how about creating some? Helping younger children; or senior citizens; helping a Shliach; or doing Mivtzoyim; or a study project (if you are in to learning) Do you have friends who live in your town?

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