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Unread 05-01-2008, 10:52 PM   #1
bigboy
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Bochurim talking to girls after Yeshiva hours

I have friends who I just recently found out have been involved with girls. I've explained to them many times how it's wrong for a bachur or even any regular jewish boy to talk to girls from a halachic stand point. I'm not looking for a theoretical answer , I want something practical that I can tell these bachurim that may get them to stop.
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Unread 06-18-2008, 02:48 PM   #2
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Forget the halacha, take them with you and find other stuff to do with them. How old are you guys?
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Unread 06-22-2008, 12:51 PM   #3
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Quote:
take them with you and find other stuff to do with them. How old are you guys?
These guys are between 15 and 17 and there isn't much to do (not incl movies and stuff like that) other than talk to girls. A big part of the problem is hanholas heyeshivos, they let you out at around nine o'clock and expect you to go to sleep right away. They don't have any sports or after school activivties. Guys cant just sit and learn a whole day!
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Unread 06-22-2008, 12:58 PM   #4
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You might have hit the nail on the head with this last post. Schools (and parents) should be pragmatic about their talmidim. Most 15 year olds aren't going to go right to sleep at 9:30.
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Unread 06-22-2008, 06:27 PM   #5
avrumi
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but what can the yeshivos do o keep them busy in a kosher way?
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Unread 06-22-2008, 06:55 PM   #6
emes m'eretz
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Someone can read stories of Tzadikim to them. Or the boys themselves can take turns doing the reading.

Games like chess or knock hockey can be organized.

Bochurim can gather and listen to music and munch popcorn.

Or all the above together.

For the more Chassidish: I remember how one bochur organized that almost everyone sat down at one table on Thursday nights, and each boy took a turn reading one ois of a sicha.
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Unread 06-22-2008, 10:46 PM   #7
bigboy
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Someone can read stories of Tzadikim to them. Or the boys themselves can take turns doing the reading.
These are 15-17 year old boys I'm talking about. I don't think any of them would be willing to sit down and read stories to each other, forget someone else reading to them. They want action, the sports was a good suggestion but most yeshivos don't have facilities where you could play at nights after school.
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Unread 06-22-2008, 10:54 PM   #8
emes m'eretz
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Maybe get someone to donate a ping pong table.
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Unread 06-23-2008, 05:10 AM   #9
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Maybe get someone to donate basketball hoops, or find a field where you can run laps, or a swimming pool, or get someone to donate a rec room/gym to the yeshiva....something active, to get out the energy in a more positive way.
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Unread 06-23-2008, 11:49 AM   #10
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The problem is that yeshvos don't see this as a necessity, they aren't looking for donors for things like basketball hoops. I even know of a yeshiva where they do have hoops indoors but they don't allow the bochurim to use it after school, they want them to go to sleep early. If only they would see the need.
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Unread 06-24-2008, 02:52 AM   #11
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I'll save my comment for when I get a chance to talk to that Rosh Yeshiva in person.
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Unread 06-26-2008, 12:40 PM   #12
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I just asked a very respected figure your question, so here's the answer:
One way would be to describe how much they're ruining their lives and their names, vchu.
A more positive way to look at it is to emphasize how Hashem and the Rebbe look at it.
And if it's Chabad bochurim we're talking about (which I assume it is), discuss with their parents the possibility of sending them on shlichus. The main thing is to put physical distance between them. Any price, according to what I was told, is worth it, and this should be explained to the parents- that even though they're young, and they'll be away from home, it is worth it for his growth. If the parents agree, the idea should be suggested to him in a way that does not connect at all to the present issue.
Hope this helps in some way or other...
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Unread 06-26-2008, 02:41 PM   #13
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and what if it's whole groups of boys- ship them all out? this is great advice for isolated cases, but for whole groups of boys who do it b/c there's nothing else to do? shouldn't there be a way to occupy them?
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Unread 06-26-2008, 03:16 PM   #14
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There should be....in essence, you could apply this to a number of boys, as long as it isn't a huge group, but this does not negate what we said earlier, it was meant to add to it.
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Unread 06-28-2008, 09:24 PM   #15
ChofetzChaim
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BBQs, Guitar Night, Mixed-Drinks Night, Video Games (if your yeshiva allows), swimming in someone's pool, Farbrengen, planning mivtzaim events, pocker night, other board games... There is so much to do in Yeshiva, don't waste those years away!
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Unread 01-25-2010, 07:33 PM   #16
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many dont seem to respond to spiritual reasons for stopping, so why not simply and plainly explain the temporal reasons for doing so?

risk of getting "sick", or any of the other associated woes, as well as point out the difficulty believing certain promises, as well as explaining that the reason why he is speaking to a girl is because his neshomo is crying out for his besheret, and explaining to him what would happen if he actualy did find his besheret, and pointing out that relationships in general are more like an airplane than a car, they may move up and down, but they can never go in reverse, and that the consequences of actualy meeting whom he wants to meet, and then messing up because he lacks the requisite maturity, might be much steeper than the emotionaly difficulty of not missing her.

I honestly think that trying to hide many of these pertinent facts from teens, which are easily ascertainable from any set of litterature of any paradigm, probably hinders our efforts more than helps them.

This way they A can't blame yiddishkeit for the facts that you are telling them, and B cannot blame stupid people, and C can see that the entire world is modeh to the consequences mentioned.

I've known of teens, that when told that "noone will want to marry her" have said, "why should I care about stupid people?" (girls especialy)
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Unread 04-14-2010, 02:41 PM   #17
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Well, what is the answer is a different question, but just keeping bochurim "occupied" is definitely not the answer. A person needs to understand why he shouldn't be doing a particular thing, otherwise, as soon as he is no longer "occupied," he'll just go back to doing that thing.
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Unread 06-07-2010, 04:15 AM   #18
per88
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With all due respect

as was pointed out earlier, keep these guys buzzy.

but when doing so, it must be in a Kosher L'mihadrin way.

Rightfully so movies in this thread so far were not an option.

Wrongfully so poker was.


Shpillen Karten???
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Unread 08-20-2010, 12:47 AM   #19
Vechaby770
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insight

Quote:
Originally Posted by emes m'eretz View Post
Maybe get someone to donate a ping pong table.
nice idea.
but once the maybe/what if etc. has been launched one can say anything.
for the Jews r a people with no money, and the non-jews have money with no people (i.e dont know what to do with it)
anyway my job is to answer the question.
that will bl"n be done in the next post.
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Unread 08-20-2010, 12:49 AM   #20
Vechaby770
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Quote:
Originally Posted by per88 View Post
as was pointed out earlier, keep these guys buzzy.

but when doing so, it must be in a Kosher L'mihadrin way.

Rightfully so movies in this thread so far were not an option.

Wrongfully so poker was.


Shpillen Karten???
the kids should make their own videos . dont watch it, be part of it
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Unread 08-21-2010, 11:26 PM   #21
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Re Bored Teenagers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vechaby770 View Post
the kids should make their own videos . dont watch it, be part of it
B'h
An Excellent Suggestion! Have them do things that r constructive. So they will have no time to b destructive and unless they can learn all day they should be volunteering, busy. So that they would have hardly if any time to tend to their yetzer Horas etc.

Now if only someone could implement it................
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Unread 08-23-2010, 08:02 PM   #22
Vechaby770
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Time modified movies

Quote:
Originally Posted by per88 View Post
as was pointed out earlier, keep these guys buzzy.

but when doing so, it must be in a Kosher L'mihadrin way.

Rightfully so movies in this thread so far were not an option.

Wrongfully so poker was.


Shpillen Karten???
regular movies no.
the movie u make urself maybe with adobe primiere, you act out on camera
yes
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