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Unread 08-14-2008, 08:41 AM   #26
existwhere?
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Originally Posted by Majorthinker View Post
'Is this tzanua'- that was the point of the question.
Demanding that it be 100% secret is a major warning sign of pritzus. If he would agree that you tell the situation to a frum mental health professional, parent, or Rav, than it's more likely to be all right.
Quote:
'How does this person know me?'- He doesn't. Not at all. That's the point. Anonymous help sometimes is easier to take than real-life help.
Yes, it's easier to take, but it doesn't deal with the problem. My intuition tells me that he's going to come back with the problem, because there's no way to really know what the problem is anonymously online.
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'Do they really need me to do it...?'- Unless they're lying, and the situation isn't as it seems, and my gut is wrong. Doesn't happen often. The 'me' part is coincidental. They need someone to do it. I happened to be in the right place at the right time. (Or, if you like, wrong place at the wrong time.)
And there was no other person you know who would be able to do it? Let's say a boy told me he needed my help about something like this, and I felt he really needed the help right away, I would refer him to another male member who I trust who could handle it better. I would even ask that member to take on the case and explain what happened. That way, you avoid his being interested in you, which will further complicate any emotional help he needs.
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'Can I really cut contact?'- Sure. I can ban them hereafter. They don't have my email, address, name, telephone number, or anything else....it's completely anonymous. Of course, there is always the [unadvisable] option of deciding not to cut contact. But the option is there.
You don't know how he knew you, right?
So how do you know how much info he has about you?
He may also switch identities and come back as someone else.
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'If all the communications...'- I wouldn't be uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with what I said. It was good advice. But I would feel bad for them. What they told me was confidential.
Would you want people to know that you discuss these issues?
Why was it confidential- was it something not nice about themselves or their family they don't want people to know?
Quote:
I wouldn't want my siblings reading it until they're adults. My parents- why not? As long as they understand what prompted me to do it, and that we've cut contact, why should there be an issue? (Although my mother isn't the smartest person to tell. She'd freak out about CT. Obviously, she doesn't know I'm on here. Or that I used to blog. Or anything else...)
Wow. I can't imagine how you've kept that a secret all these years.
You could have saved yourself a lot of stress by teaching your parents how to use the internet in the beginning, and how to use the various media on the internet as you went along. (Why not start today? Say, "Mom, would you like a short crash course on what people can do today on the internet?" Don't tell her everything, just teach her how AIM and blogs and forums work.)
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True. I never thought of it that way. But again, I don't want to hide this; I was asked to keep it confidential.
He certainly does not sound like someone with a lot of Yirat Shamayim.
What does keeping it confidential mean, exactly?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MahTovChelkeinu View Post
I think there are two issues here:

1) The possibility of a platonic friendship leading to something more (which has been discussed with various degrees of tact by others).

2) The question of whether just the platonic relationship itself is a problem, even if you are mature enough to control yourselves (which I would hope you are).

I am doubtful that the admonition "you'll screw up and stop being platonic" is really going to hit home, so I suggest you think about the second point. Existwhere (who has the advantage of being female) laid out several good reasons why you should be cautious. Just remember that whatever you consider casual now will no longer be special and unique when you have a husband to share it with.
My issue is not whether the relationship is platonic or not. Skittles is the only one who knows that, and frankly, neither she nor anyone else is going to be honest and open about that here or anywhere. I respect Skittles for asking and am pretty sure it is platonic, but the truth is no one will know in this world except her.

There is a personal tznius that I feel is violated when people of opposite genders contact each other online. No human will ever know what really happened, and that's why it is so important to imbue each of our children with a deep, deep, all-encompassing Yiras Shamayim that they have to feel in every single aspect of their lives. Nothing else will protect them from themselves on the internet.

Last edited by existwhere?; 08-15-2008 at 07:53 AM.
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Unread 08-14-2008, 09:23 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by existwhere? View Post

My issue is not whether the relationship is platonic or not. Majorthinker is the only one who knows that, and frankly, neither she nor anyone else is not going to be honest and open about that here or anywhere. I respect Majorthinker a lot and am pretty sure it is platonic, but the truth is no one will know in this world except her.
BS"D

You are confusing the original poster with MT. In MT's case, similar to a case that I was involved in, there is no friendship, platonic or otherwise, at all - just someone who needs help and somehow contacted MT.
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Unread 08-14-2008, 09:31 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by Returning View Post
BS"D

You are confusing the original poster with MT. In MT's case, similar to a case that I was involved in, there is no friendship, platonic or otherwise, at all - just someone who needs help and somehow contacted MT.
You're right, I did confuse the two. Sorry Majorthinker, will edit.

Yehi ratzon she'tishre yirat Shamayim aleinu k'yirat basar v'dam.
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Unread 08-15-2008, 02:35 AM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by existwhere? View Post
Demanding that it be 100% secret is a major warning sign of pritzus. If he would agree that you tell the situation to a frum mental health professional, parent, or Rav, than it's more likely to be all right.
I didn't even think of suggesting that. Although I should have.
Quote:
Yes, it's easier to take, but it doesn't deal with the problem. My intuition tells me that he's going to come back with the problem, because there's no way to really know what the problem is anonymously online.
Lav davka. And my point, in any case, was to get him to where he could take it offline. At the point where he was, he wouldn't have.
Quote:
And there was no other person you know who would be able to do it? Let's say a boy told me he needed my help about something like this, and I felt he really needed the help right away, I would refer him to another male member who I trust who could handle it better. I would even ask that member to take on the case and explain what happened. That way, you avoid his being interested in you, which will further complicate any emotional help he needs.
Right. But...a)he doesn't know enough to be interested, and b)at this point, he wouldn't talk to anyone. I asked. Somehow, because I listen, I get all the weirdos telling me their issues. And some that aren't weirdos, as well.
Quote:
You don't know how he knew you, right?
So how do you know how much info he has about you?
He may also switch identities and come back as someone else.
He doesn't know me- just liked my posting style and decided it was someone that he would be comfortable talking to. There's no personal info on my profile...I'm not that meshugge. As to switching identities- why? What good would that do him?
Quote:
Would you want people to know that you discuss these issues?
Why was it confidential- was it something not nice about themselves or their family they don't want people to know?
Hey, I don't mind people knowing that I deal with these issues. Over the years, I've dealt with this issue a lot, from girls. Now it's the same thing, except that it'st a guy. If people knew I dealt with these issues, I'd probably get a lot of flack, as would anyone in this field. On the other hand, I'd also get a lot of phone calls. Luckily, I'm not listed as one who deals with this stuff. So it's just the odd ones here and there.

As to why it was confidential- because it was a very embarrassing personal issue. Like, the stuff you'd die of embarrassment if someone found it out. That's why he wanted to do it anonymously. He's afraid of people's reactions and ruining his name.
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Wow. I can't imagine how you've kept that a secret all these years.
You could have saved yourself a lot of stress by teaching your parents how to use the internet in the beginning, and how to use the various media on the internet as you went along. (Why not start today? Say, "Mom, would you like a short crash course on what people can do today on the internet?" Don't tell her everything, just teach her how AIM and blogs and forums work.)
Yeah, tell me about it. It's not so stressful anymore, though. I think at the beginning my mother looked at this site, but decided that it was harmless enough. So she hasn't looked at it since that day, when I was a teenage nutcase. At any rate, the sibling after me is not computer-savvy at all, in addition to being scared of the internet. But for the one after that my mother probably needs a course. I'll give her one. She learned how to use parental controls in the past couple years, while I haven't been there to do it for her.
Quote:
He certainly does not sound like someone with a lot of Yirat Shamayim.
What does keeping it confidential mean, exactly?
Unfortunately, after thinking about this point, I realized that you're right. I'd like to think otherwise, only because that's not such a nice way to think about a frum Yid. But...his yirat shamayim could definitely use work. On the other hand, so could all of ours.

And confidential means not to tell anyone. Except for a very vague image, which is what I presented here. At any rate, it's not a subject I talk about without a valid reason to.
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Unread 08-15-2008, 08:26 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by Majorthinker View Post
Lav davka. And my point, in any case, was to get him to where he could take it offline. At the point where he was, he wouldn't have.
OK
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He doesn't know me- just liked my posting style and decided it was someone that he would be comfortable talking to. There's no personal info on my profile...I'm not that meshugge. As to switching identities- why? What good would that do him?
Is that the only way he knows you?
Quote:
Hey, I don't mind people knowing that I deal with these issues. Over the years, I've dealt with this issue a lot, from girls. Now it's the same thing, except that it'st a guy. If people knew I dealt with these issues, I'd probably get a lot of flack, as would anyone in this field. On the other hand, I'd also get a lot of phone calls. Luckily, I'm not listed as one who deals with this stuff. So it's just the odd ones here and there.
OK
Quote:
As to why it was confidential- because it was a very embarrassing personal issue. Like, the stuff you'd die of embarrassment if someone found it out. That's why he wanted to do it anonymously. He's afraid of people's reactions and ruining his name.
OK
Quote:
Yeah, tell me about it. It's not so stressful anymore, though. I think at the beginning my mother looked at this site, but decided that it was harmless enough. So she hasn't looked at it since that day, when I was a teenage nutcase. At any rate, the sibling after me is not computer-savvy at all, in addition to being scared of the internet. But for the one after that my mother probably needs a course. I'll give her one. She learned how to use parental controls in the past couple years, while I haven't been there to do it for her.
So she does know you're on it?
Quote:
Unfortunately, after thinking about this point, I realized that you're right. I'd like to think otherwise, only because that's not such a nice way to think about a frum Yid. But...his yirat shamayim could definitely use work. On the other hand, so could all of ours.
True
Quote:
And confidential means not to tell anyone. Except for a very vague image, which is what I presented here. At any rate, it's not a subject I talk about without a valid reason to.
OK
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Unread 08-15-2008, 12:40 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by existwhere? View Post
Is that the only way he knows you?
Yup. I don't know anyone that age personally.
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So she does know you're on it?
Or she did the first time I came on. I don't think she knows that I'm still at this age, though.
Quote:
True
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