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Unread 04-19-2016, 08:26 PM   #1
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Pesach Humor

Here's some old Pesach jokes . If you have anything new, please share!

A Jew took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Shortly thereafter a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jew offered a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a minute, and exclaimed, "Who wrote this?"


A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."


The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."

The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"

The boy replied, "No. But you'd never beleive the story he DID tell us!"


I was about to drink of Elijah's cup. What can he do to me already?
But then I remembered what happened when I sat down on his chair...


Pesach (Passover) was approaching quickly and everyone was preparing for the holiday. Once two Jewish beggars were traveling together. One beggar told the other to go to the shul (synagogue), and the Jewish householders would have pity on him and invite him to a Passover Seder.

And so it was, both beggars were invited to seders. The evening started with Kiddush (the blessing over wine), and the one beggar thought to himself:

“Good wine means good food.”

As the seder continued to karpas, the beggar was given a green vegetable and thought:

“Wine now a piece of salad, this is going to be a great meal.”
The seder progressed as there was much discussion until it came to the part of matzah. The beggar was given a piece of matzah, and thought,

“Thank goodness the meal is about to begin.”

After eating the matzah, the beggar was given a piece of maror (bitter herb – horseradish) which burned his mouth and made his eyes water. He jumped up from the table and ran out the door.

“How was your Seder?” asked one beggar to the other. The unhappy beggar then told him what had happened. They gave me 2 cups of wine, a sprig of parsley, a dried cracker (matzah) and hot stuff. It was torture so got up and left!”

“Fool!” replied the one beggar to the other. “If you had waited just a little longer, you would have had a fine meal, as I had.”
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Unread 04-20-2016, 06:01 AM   #2
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Abe goes to see his boss and says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Pesach and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Abe," the boss replies. "I just can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Abe, "I knew I could count on you!"


Benjamin is offered a high powered job as Head of Finance at Utah Life Assurance Inc. He and his Sarah sell their house in New York and move to Utah. But Benjamin is unaware that it had been a difficult decision for the ULA President to offer him the job.

Even after Benjamin starts work, the ULA directors continue to put pressure on the President behind Benjamin’s back. "We’re all Mormons on the board and we've never had someone Jewish on the board before. We find this very difficult to accept." But they also know that Benjamin is proving to be the best. He’s a financial genius, a financial guru.

After much careful thought, the President decides on a course of action and calls Benjamin to his office. "I’m afraid I’ve run into some opposition to your appointment. If you want to keep your $400,000 a year position, you’ll have to convert. Please let me know by tomorrow what you decide."
Benjamin has no choice. However difficult it might be to convert, it’s easier than losing his great new job. So he goes home and tells Sarah, "It’s simple, from this Sunday we’ll be going to church with our children."

Over the months that follow, Sarah doesn’t stop nagging. "It’s so difficult for me…I miss shul…shabbes….lighting the candles…kiddush…festivals etc. You know Benjamin, money isn't everything."

The more she nags him, the worse Benjamin’s conscience bothers him, until finally he’s had enough. He goes back to the ULA President. "I can’t go on like this, sir, my troubles are eating me up inside. Money isn’t everything to me. Neither I nor Sarah can sleep at night. It’s too much for us. I made the wrong decision. We were born Jews and we want to die Jews. If you want me to quit, I’ll go without making a fuss."

The president looks at him in amazement and says, "Listen Benjamin, I had no idea it was so tough for you. I thought switching religions would be simple. But you are doing an excellent job here and I don’t want to loose you. Stay here and you can be as Jewish as you want - I’ll take care of the directors."

Benjamin goes home to Sarah feeling absolutely great. "Our troubles are over at last, darling," he says to her, "I've spoken to the President and he’s letting me keep my job and he said we can go back to being Jewish immediately."

Sarah looks at him with anger in her eyes. "Tell me, are you stupid or what?"

Benjamin is shocked. "But I thought that was what you wanted all along, to be Jewish once more. Don’t you want to go back to being Jewish?"

Sarah looks very upset and replies, "Of course I do, but now, just 2 weeks before Pesach?"
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Unread 04-28-2016, 08:28 AM   #3
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יהודי ניגש אל יוסוף העשיר הערבי וביקש ממנו עשרים אלף דולר הלואה לפני חג הפסח, והבטיח להחזיר תוך עשרה ימים כפול.

אמר לו יוסוף: איך אתן לך הלוואה ואפילו את שמך אני לא יודע?
ענה לו היהודי: שמי פסח, עשיר גדול אנוכי ומילה שלי זו מילה. אתה יכול לברר עלי.

הערבי שקרץ לו לעשות כסף קל הלך לברר ברחוב היהודים מיהו אותו פסח. נכנס אל רחוב היהודים והנה המולה רבה.
כולם רצים, מתרוצצים וקונים מכל הבא ליד. ריח עז של ניקיון מציף את האויר, ומכל בית עולים ריחות של בישולים.

ניגש יוסוף אל האנשים ושאל לפשר החגיגה, ענו לו האנשים: מה זאת אומרת ? עוד מעט פסח בא.

שמע זאת הערבי ואמר בלבו: כזה חשוב הוא פסח, שווה לעשות איתו עסקים.

חיפש ומצא את היהודי, וללא שאלות העניק לו את ההלוואה ובלב שמח התחיל לספור את הימים.

מיד כאשר עברו עשרה ימים יצא יוסוף לרחוב היהודים והתחיל לחפש את פסח. חיפש וחיפש ולא מצא.

שוב שאל עוברים ושבים, מישהו ראה את פסח? כולם פתחו עליו עיניים ואמרו: פסח ? ברוך השם שהלך כבר. השאיר את כולנו מרוששים, ללא פרוטה בכיס, וכעת כולנו מתאוששים ממנו.

שמע זאת אותו ערבי ואמר לעצמו: טוב, לפחות לא נפלתי לבד...
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