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Unread 08-05-2004, 08:12 PM   #101
amgel49
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*~Back to front~*

80-year-old Rachel is very upset indeed when she calls the police on her mobile phone. She cries, "Help me please. Iím in Golders Green and my carís been broken into. The thief has stolen the CD player, the steering wheel, the gearshift lever and the pedals. Oy vay, what will I do?"
The dispatcher says to her, "Stay calm, madam, Iíll ask a police officer to get to you as quickly as possible."
Ten minutes later, the police control centre gets the following message from the police officer, "Please disregard the distress call. The lady got in the back-seat of her car by mistake."
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Unread 08-05-2004, 08:21 PM   #102
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~Morning Coffee~

Maurice and Becky are arguing over who should brew the coffee each morning.
Becky says, "As you get up first in the morning, Maurice, you should make it. Then we won't have to wait too long for our coffee."
"But youíre in charge of all the cooking," replies Maurice, "thatís your job, so you should make it. And if I have to wait for my coffee in the morning, well, I don't mind."
"But it says in the Torah that the man should make the coffee," says Becky
"OK, responds Maurice, "if you can show me where it says that, Iíll never question you again."
Next day, Becky borrows a Chumash from her neighbour and shows Maurice that on the top of several pages it indeed says ĎHebrewsí.
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Unread 08-05-2004, 08:36 PM   #103
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OOOOOH, i liked that!
Theres actually a new beer company named "Hebrew" lol.
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Unread 08-09-2004, 02:55 AM   #104
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A cute one,one of the kids told me during Shabbos...

Where did the bubblegum go to see the animals?

...to the BA{ZOO}KA
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Unread 08-09-2004, 03:09 AM   #105
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"Talking Clock"

Yitzhak had just moved into a new flat in Hendon and was out celebrating with his friend Benny. At 2am, he invited Benny back to his flat where they continued to celebrate.
Then Benny said, "Before I go, why not show me around?"
So Yitzhak proudly showed Benny his flat and all the high tech it contained. Then he took Benny into his bedroom where his friend couldnít help but notice a very large brass gong and hammer on the chest of drawers.
"Is that a dinner gong?" asked Benny.
"It's not really a gong, Benny, itís more like a talking clock," Yitzhak replied.
"A talking clock? Are you serious?" said Benny.
"Of course," replied Yitzhak.
"So how does it work?" said Benny.
"Watch this," replied Yitzhak, as he picked up the hammer and gave the gong an ear shattering pounding. They stood looking at each other for a moment when suddenly, someone in the flat next door screamed, "Stop that, you inconsiderate oaf. It's quarter to three in the morning!"
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Unread 08-09-2004, 03:12 AM   #106
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Quick Question....

Q: What favourite nine-letter word is regularly used by Jewish Grandmas when they have their grandchildren round for Shabbos/Yom Tov?






A: Eateateat
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Unread 08-10-2004, 07:41 AM   #107
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"Spell chequer"

Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea. It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea,
Eye strike a quay and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh,
As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
....
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Unread 08-16-2004, 12:46 AM   #108
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~Opening Speech~

George W Bush begins his speech to open the Olympic Games.

He looks at his paper and says:

"Oooooooooo! Oooooooooo! Ooooooooooooo! Ooooooooooooooo! Oooooooooooo!

An aide comes over and whispers: "Mr President, these are the Olympic rings, your speech is below.
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Unread 08-16-2004, 12:57 AM   #109
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You Don't Say!
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Unread 08-16-2004, 12:59 AM   #110
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Watch where you step..
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Unread 08-16-2004, 01:02 AM   #111
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A great simplified version of a weather station..
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Unread 08-16-2004, 01:57 AM   #112
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Stressed out?
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Unread 08-16-2004, 01:58 AM   #113
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Gas prices are a little too high...
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Unread 08-16-2004, 02:00 AM   #114
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Oops, image from last post applied here:
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Unread 08-16-2004, 02:13 AM   #115
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These signs are ADORABLE!!! THANKS GUYS!
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Unread 08-16-2004, 02:25 AM   #116
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Let's face it.
English is an odd language.
There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger,
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted,
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What on earth does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down,
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out,
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers,
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all).

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible,
But when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts,
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.
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Unread 08-16-2004, 02:43 AM   #117
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Stop or go?
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Unread 08-16-2004, 02:45 AM   #118
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Shh! Don't tell!
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Unread 08-16-2004, 02:46 AM   #119
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THAT hurt!
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Unread 08-16-2004, 02:50 AM   #120
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Can't disagree!
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Unread 08-16-2004, 02:52 AM   #121
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Right...
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Unread 08-16-2004, 02:54 AM   #122
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Go right on to the left.
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Unread 08-16-2004, 02:59 AM   #123
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Let's make like a banana and split.
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Unread 08-16-2004, 03:01 AM   #124
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Poor mouse. All it ever wanted to do was live a healthy chassidishe life!
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Unread 08-16-2004, 11:00 PM   #125
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NEW TERRORIST CAPTURED!

Hussien Mousetata..
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