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Unread 04-17-2004, 10:38 PM   #51
amgel49
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~A call to the doctor !~

Sarah had recently given birth to her first child. Sarah was also a bit of a worrier to say the least and she hadn’t been home long before she rang her doctor in a state of panic.
“So what’s the problem, Sarah?” asks the doctor.
“My baby has a temperature of 102, doctor. Is he going to die?” shouts Sarah.
The doctor, needing to determine whether Sarah was taking the reading under the arm, in the mouth or elsewhere, said, “I hope you don’t mind me asking you this question, but …how are you taking it?”
Sarah replied, “Oh, I'm holding up pretty well, doctor.”
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Unread 04-18-2004, 03:11 AM   #52
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http://lj.bugor.net/ranti_yassin.jpg

"Hamas leaders in paradise: "we are waiting for the next one..."
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Unread 04-20-2004, 09:03 PM   #53
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Is a clean house a sign that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff into that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'Its all right." It isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
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Unread 04-20-2004, 09:28 PM   #54
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Quote:
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
We make jokes to overcome pain. Fathers-in-law don't inflict pain. Therefore there is no need for humor.
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Unread 04-22-2004, 06:08 PM   #55
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Eve thought that Adam was checking out other women, so she approached him about it. Adam replied, “You know you’re the only woman in the world to me!” Eve was placated, but that night she counted his ribs.
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Unread 04-22-2004, 06:43 PM   #56
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Maskil, perhaps fathers-in-law are so painful that even a joke won't help ?
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Unread 04-24-2004, 09:36 PM   #57
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oh my jude, those were so funny. i mean, the fridge one-when bored, i have a record of checking out the fridge every five minutes. and vacuuming..! hehe
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Unread 04-24-2004, 09:50 PM   #58
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There once was a group of old-timers who used to gather weekly for a joke-telling session. Having known each other for years, they knew everyone's jokes already. For convenience, they assigned each joke a number. One person would get up and announce, "Number 37!" and the assembled group would remember the joke and laugh uproariously.

One day, one of the group got up and said, "Number 172!" Everyone laughed, and when they quieted down, they realized that one man was still so overcome with mirth that he was literally rolling on the floor laughing. They waited a few minutes, and he still continued laughing. Finally, he stopped laughing, and the man next to him asked him why this particular joke was SO funny to him. "All of us laughed," he pointed out, "but you seem to think that it's funnier than usual!"

"Ah," the man replied. "I never heard that one before!"

---

That being said, I propose that ChabadTalk adopt a similar system. I will begin: Here!
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Unread 05-02-2004, 06:55 PM   #59
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a continuation of:

http://www.chabadtalk.com/forum/show...8967#post48967

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the
Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is
apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for
reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
problems.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a hysterical figure because he invented cigarettes
and started smoking.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money
and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

When the states formed the Contented Congress, Thomas Jefferson, a
Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of
Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward
and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot
in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the
assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined
Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half
Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he
wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks
in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It
was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was
really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without
watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she
did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to
find radios because they were already taken.

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies.
Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to
have a job, I guess.
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Unread 05-04-2004, 02:30 PM   #60
Jude
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Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg go out to see My Fair Lady on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year, and scalpers are retiring on this one. Somehow, they've lucked into front row seats. But they notice that in the row behind them, there's an empty seat. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Mrs. Greenberg turns to the woman sitting next to it and asks, "Pardon me, but this is such a sold out show, and in such demand. We were wondering why that seat is empty."

The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat." Mrs. Greenberg is horrified and apologizes for being so insensitive. But a few minutes later, she turns around again. "Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"

The woman nods, but explains, "They're all at the funeral."

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Unread 05-04-2004, 02:31 PM   #61
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Sam Schwartz was driving down the road and got pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank G-d for that. I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"
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Unread 05-04-2004, 02:42 PM   #62
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'Bulldozer' and 'Terminator' shake hands.

http://worldphoto.ap.org/apdbs/EuroP...40/1140693.jpg
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Unread 05-11-2004, 10:05 PM   #63
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Try the following experiment:

Get a large cage, and five apes to put inside. Hang a banana on a string in the cage, with stairs under the banana. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb toward the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After awhile, another ape will make an attempt, but the result will be the same - all the apes will be sprayed with cold water. This should continue through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will all try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape will see the banana and want to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes will attack him. After another attempt and attack, he'll know that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer will go to the stairs and be attacked. The previous newcomer will take part in the punishment.

Replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one will make it to the stairs and be attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him will have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, will have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape will ever again approach the stairs. Why not?

Because that's the way they've always done it, and that's the way it's always been around here.

And that's how company policy begins....
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Unread 05-12-2004, 02:33 PM   #64
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On their way to a meeting, a bunch of senators got caught in a storm and accidentally steered their car off the road. Searching for them the next morning, the FBI approached a farmer on the side of the road and asked him if he'd seen anyone matching their descriptions.
"Yeah," he replied, "they were in an accident. I buried them."
In disbelief the officials asked, "They were ALL dead?!?!"
"Well," the farmer said, "some of them claimed they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
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Unread 05-13-2004, 02:15 PM   #65
Torah613
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A guy in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler.

He killed the pit bull and saved the child's life.

Reporters swarmed the fellow.

"Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline
will be: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"

The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris.

"Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of France will love you and
tomorrow's headline will read: 'Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "I'm not from France, either."

Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's
headlines
will shout: 'Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either.

"Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?

The guy says, "I'm from Israel.

"Reporters: "OK. Then tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world:

'Israeli Kills Girl's Dog!'"
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Unread 05-16-2004, 12:05 AM   #66
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speaking about pit bulls...

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman
walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were
about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the
woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know
now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

"Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband
when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."
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Unread 05-16-2004, 12:14 AM   #67
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A farmer's dificult mother-in-law was visiting when the mule kicked her in the face. At the funeral the priest noticed that when a woman would pass the farmer he would nod his head but when a man passed the farmer would say something to him so the priest asked him about this. The farmer explained that when the women would sympathize about his loss he would nod his head in agreement. The men would ask if they could borrow the mule and the farmer would apologize, as the mule was booked for the next six months.
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Unread 05-16-2004, 11:04 PM   #68
Torah613
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New Delhi Times:
>
>ASSOCIATED PRESS: Hindu religious authorities have ruled this week that
>it is forbidden for Hindu women to sell their hair to Orthodox wig
>makers. "We have asked our women to put their hair on holy altars as a
>sacrifice to our gods. Instead, they ship it to Boro Park. Is this the
>way to show honor to our gods, by shipping hair to New York?" The Hindu
>Association for Indians who are Religious (H-A-I-R) had all their major
>authorities as signatories on a new proclamation forbidding these
>shipments.
>
>Young women, however, feel more ambivalent than the local authorities:
>"What's a good idolater to do?" said Irfana Patel, a nineteen year old
>resident of New Delhi whose long hair is soon to be shorn. "I know my
>options. My parents want me to cut it at the local Temple and have it
>burn for our family shrine. My fiancé learned about the cost of
>highlighted wigs in Meah Shearim. He wants me to sell it to put the down
>payment on a new apartment." These issues are clearly complex.
>
>Down a long alley in this large Indian city is a salon where run-away
>teenage girls and older widows have flocked for years to have their hair
>cut in a confidential and private setting. The salon owners, who spoke
>only on the condition on anonymity, said that they have had contact with
>ultra-Orthodox Jews for the past ten years. "They are our best
>customers. Indian hair is thick and easily dyed. When they came here to
>visit, we introduced them to chapaties. They brought us gefilte fish. My
>husband loves chrain. He makes dal out of it now. We are sad that
>business might change for us." The economic fall-out of this decision
>has yet to be fully assessed, but small Hindu businesses everywhere are
>suffering.
>
>The human hair industry has grown exponentially since Orthodox women
>discovered that snoods were used in idol worship in Thailand. The Thais
>would "tie" the snood around small birds that were sacrificed on
>mountain tops. Straw and wool hats have also been worn by idol worshiper
>for centuries, but modern Orthodox Jews have never been particularly
>concerned about it. A spokesman for the Orthodox Union said that there
>are bigger issues to worry about, like whether or not Campbell's
>vegetable soup will retain its heksher. "We don't really care if modern
>Orthodox women are wearing hats once used by idolaters as long as they
>aren't davening in women's prayer groups."
>
>India is not the only source of human hair. In New York Times
>best-seller, Hair Today: Gone Tomorrow: The Hindu Hair Scandal,
>historians say that sheitel machers originally went to the Far East, to
>places like Singapore and China as their hair source. Investigative
>reporters have now shown that the Kai Feng community was started to
>export human hair, perhaps inspiring the enduring love of Jews for
>Chinese food. "The hair was cheap but hard to work with," says one
>anonymous sheitel maker. "More expensive hair comes from Russia. I
>personally did not use Russian hair until all the refusniks were out of
>the former Soviet Union. Not everyone was so principled."
>
>European hair has become very popular and expensive. But Europe is a big
>place. For example, many ultra-Orthodox women today would rather have
>hair from Belgium than Lichtenstein. German and Austrian hair still
>carries taboos, and some women refuse to use French hair until France
>becomes more supportive of the war in Iraq. Relations with Tony Blair
>have been particularly good so English hair - although its off the
>continent - has become especially prized. So many countries have been
>involved in the production of human hair sheitels, that the U.N. is
>considering an international resolution. The United Nations will permit
>the sale of all European hair on condition that business exchanges
>involve the Euro and that Israel dismantle its security Fence.
>
>Despite all the politics, religious Hindus feel that their right to
>worship idols has been severely compromised by this new scandal.
>"Orthodox Jews don't want us, and we don't want them either. We have our
>own humras in New Delhi. Wait until they find out where all their
>tefillin is made!"
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Unread 05-20-2004, 06:28 PM   #69
Torah613
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One Sheitel, One Sheitel

> One Sheitel, One Sheitel
> by Martin Bodek, Co-founder of TheKnish.com
>
> One sheitel, one sheitel that husband bought for an arm and a leg. One
> sheitel, one sheitel.
>
> And came The Sheitelmacher, who put it in her little shop, that husband
> bought with his life savings. One sheitel, one sheitel.
>
> And came the European Manufacturer, who sold it to the sheitelmacher,
> that husband mortgaged his house to buy. One sheitel, one sheitel.
>
> And came the Hindu church, who auctioned it to the European
> manufacturer, who sold it to the sheitelmacher, that husband paid half a
> year's salary for. One sheitel, one sheitel.
>
> And came the Hindu priest, who cut off the hair, that the church
> auctioned off, that the European manufacturer put in the highest bid
> for, who sold it to the Sheitelmacher, that husband went into credit
> card debt to purchase. One sheitel, one sheitel.
>
> And came the Hindu pilgrim, who bowed before the priest in an offering
> to Vishnu, and he shaved off the hair, which the church auctioned, that
> the European manufacturer got for a steal, who sold it to the
> Sheitelmacher, that husband created a tzedaka fund for. One sheitel,
> one sheitel.
>
> And came Rav Eliyashiv, Shlita, who paskended the hair was assur, that
> the pilgrim offered to the polytheistic gods, that the barber shaved,
> that the church auctioned, that the European manufacturer got his hands
> on for bupkis, who sold it to the Sheitelmacher, that husband sold his
> daughter into slavery so that he purchase it. One sheitel, one sheitel.
>
> And came the Holy One, Blessed Be He, Who said, "I am the L-rd thy G-d,
> thou shalt not have any other gods before Me", which Rav Eliyashiv took
> very seriously, so he paskened the hair was assur that the pilgrim
> offered to the other gods, that the barber shaved off, that the church
> put up on eBay, that the European manufacturer couldn't believe the deal
> he got, who sold it to the Sheitelmacher, that husband got his knee-caps
> broke because he couldn't pay off the interest from the loan he got from
> Goombah Vinny. One sheitel, one sheitel.
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Unread 05-20-2004, 06:29 PM   #70
Torah613
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The following is a newly published guide to help people determine whether or
not the hair in their wife's sheitel has Indian roots.

Your wife's sheitel may contain Indian hair if she starts
exhibiting any of the following symptoms:

1. your wife develops a red dot in the middle of her forehead
2. your wife's skin starts turning green and oily.
3. she starts cooking with curry
4. she insists the family becomes vegetarian.
5. she quits her job and opens an off shore call center in the spare
bedroom.
6. she insists you sell your business and start working in a newsstand.
7. she starts spending more time in seven eleven than she spend in loehman's
8. she's proud of her son-in-law who works as a gas station attendant.
9. she starts showing up to the shabbos table in a sari instead of a robe.
10.she trades her earrings for nose rings.
11.when discussing marriage prospects for your 19 year old daughter she
mentions words like, dowery, cows, and livestock.
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Unread 05-20-2004, 08:47 PM   #71
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Jude, another humor rating here . All these jokes about htis sad situation are very funny but even more so, in a way I think it's beautiful that we're all so willing to right away listen to halacha, even if it's hard, and were even making jokes about it. We'll do it and we'll do it happily! Mi kiamcha Yisrael!
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Unread 05-20-2004, 08:54 PM   #72
Jude
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The four men at the card table were being bothered by an
irritating know-it-all. When the troublesome talker stepped
into the next room, one of the players suggested, "This
next hand let’s make up a game nobody ever heard of, he
won’t know what we’re playing and maybe that will
shut him up."

When the know-it-all returned, the dealer tore the top two
cards in half and gave them to the man on his right; he
tore the corners off the next three cards and placed them
before the next player, face up; he tore the next five
cards in quarters, gave fifteen pieces to the third man,
four to himself and put the last piece in the center of the
table.

Looking intently at four small pieces of card in his hand,
the dealer said, "I have a mingle, so I think I’ll bet a
dollar."

The second man stared at the pasteboards scattered before
him. "I have a snazzle," he announced, "so I’ll raise you
a dollar."

The third man folded without betting and the fourth, after
due deliberation, said, "I’ve a farfle, so I’ll raise you
two dollars."

The know-it-all shook his head slowly from side to side.
"You’re crazy," he said, "you’re never going to beat a
mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle!"
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Unread 05-20-2004, 09:02 PM   #73
shoyn
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to continue from where torah613

Alternatively, your wife's sheitel may contain Indian hair if she

starts exhibiting any of the following symptoms:



1. she refers to your daughter as "little squaw"

2. she wants to move into a teepee

3. she refers to her credit cards as "wampum"

4. when you say the word "reservations" it reminds her of the "alte

heim" in South Dakota.

5. she insists that her cousin own Foxwoods.

6. when you want to go out to get something to eat, she hands you a bow

and arrow.

7. she insists on dancing a rain dance at chasunas, instead of oh-shira.

8. she hates it when you ask for buffalo wings, because it's so much

work kashering and schechting a buffalo.

9. she refers to the Rov of your shul as "old wise man with long beard"


10. sentences like, "it is balloon" remind her of her grandfather.
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Unread 05-21-2004, 09:29 AM   #74
Torah613
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A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks
how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of
the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says,
"Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12
gold coins.

A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when
the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual
leader, a man of the people, it's on the house."

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.

The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay and the
barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any
money from you, go in peace."

So the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are
12 rabbis.
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Unread 05-21-2004, 10:38 AM   #75
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Another one http://www.chabadtalk.com/forum/showthread.php3?postid=49031#post49031

Jonny is eight years old and needs to get his tonsils removed
so his mom figures that while he is under anistesia she will also give him a circumcision

and so it was

after recovery jonny goes back to school and his best friend mike tells him that his mom said that i also need to get my tonsils removed
jonny quickly answers back "Listen mike tonsils aren't what we think they are"
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