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Unread 09-23-2004, 07:40 PM   #226
roza
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Re: Jokes (3)

.....
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Unread 09-26-2004, 01:20 AM   #227
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Re: Jokes (3)

The rabbi * our shul gave this one over durring R"H:
Max and Rose are an elderly couple living in Florida.
One day Max gets very emotional and he turns to Rose and says:
"Rose, you've been with me through it all... When i got my heart attack, when i went bankrupt, when i broke my hip, thru hurricane ivan..." he takes a moment to breath, and his eyes become teary, and he says: "Rose i think you're bad luck!"
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Unread 09-26-2004, 02:07 AM   #228
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Re: Jokes (3)

Mmmm... Tasty!
http://sp.ask.com/docs/about/jeevesiq.html
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Unread 09-28-2004, 01:17 AM   #229
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Re: Jokes (3)

Click the pic, then watch closely!
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Unread 09-28-2004, 03:13 AM   #230
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Re: Jokes (3)

lol! nice one..
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Unread 09-28-2004, 03:25 AM   #231
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Re: Jokes (3)

Moshe Vs the Pope

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had
to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish
community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, as he cleaned up
around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk.
The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and
showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one
finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a
wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The
Jews can stay."

...

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers
to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger
to remind me that there was still one God common to both our
religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing
that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the
wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an
apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything.
What could I do?"

...

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three
days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let
him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, and
I took out mine."
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Unread 09-28-2004, 03:26 AM   #232
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Re: Jokes (3)

This is a little known tale of how G-d came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.

G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied G-d. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."
So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said G-d, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."

So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" G-d said, "They're free."

The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"
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Unread 09-28-2004, 11:32 AM   #233
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Re: Jokes (3)

TOP TEN WAYS TO TERRORIZE A TELEMARKETER
  1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
  2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

    ( My Favorite
  3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
  4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
  5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
  6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
  7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
  8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
  9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
  10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
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Unread 09-28-2004, 06:53 PM   #234
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Re: Jokes (3)

that was joke of the day
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Unread 09-28-2004, 08:01 PM   #235
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Re: Jokes (3)

A father came home and found his three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife

still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.


She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
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Unread 09-28-2004, 08:15 PM   #236
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Re: Jokes (3)

Gateepee grew up in Tafelsig, Mitchell's Plain, in Cape Town.

He went to college and law school. After his studies he decided to go back to Mitchell's Plain, because he could be a big man in Tafelsig.

There he opened his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk and decided to make a big impression. As the man came to the door Gateepee pretended to be on the phone and motioned the man to take a seat. Gateepee said into the phone:

"No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than a million.

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear the case next week.

"I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.

"Okay. Give the State Prosecutor my regards and .. "

The visitor sat patiently as Gateepee rattled instructions.

Finally, Gateepee put down the telephone and said:

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man said:

"I'm from Telkom. I've come to connect your phone."

lol!
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Unread 09-28-2004, 08:48 PM   #237
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Re: Jokes (3)

YossTeck
Can i know what is so funny with the pictur? Are you trying to make fun of someone? Care to explain?

Last edited by Tevuna; 09-28-2004 at 08:59 PM. Reason: So it should be clear what I am responding to
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Unread 09-28-2004, 10:09 PM   #238
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Re: Jokes (3)

Click on the picture, then watch it change. (if you are using a dialup connection, allow a few seconds for it to load)
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Unread 09-28-2004, 11:08 PM   #239
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Exclamation Re: Jokes (3)

Before You Complain About Your Job...
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Last edited by azyid; 09-29-2004 at 01:59 AM. Reason: Had to make them Jewish!
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Unread 09-29-2004, 01:48 AM   #240
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Thumbs up Re: Jokes (3)

The poor Jewish tailor is beside himself with worry. His wife is very ill and he wants the best doctor in town to treat her. But the doctor is somewhat reluctant because the tailor is so poor and, it being unlikely that his wife could be saved, the tailor might not pay him should his wife die. However, the tailor promises he will pay anything, no matter whether the doctor cures his wife or kills her !
This is sufficient for the doctor and he agrees.

Unfortunately, the doctor cannot save her and the tailors wife dies.

However, when the doctors bill arrives the tailor refuses to pay it despite his promise. After much argument, the doctor and the tailor agree to let the Rabbi decide the case since they both are, after all, Jewish.

The doctor puts his case to the Rabbi that the tailor promised to pay "no matter whether the doctor cured his wife or killed her".

After much thought the Rabbi asks the doctor, "Did you cure her?" "No" admitted the doctor.

"And did you kill her?" "I certainly did not," expostulated the doctor.

"In that case," said the Rabbi, "the tailor has no case to answer because you fulfilled neither of the conditions on which you agreed that the fee should be paid."



corny joke. eh?





It's a few days after the end of the "6-Day War" between the Arabs and the Israelis, and the victorious Israeli Prime Minister, Mrs. Golda Meir, is giving a press conference.
Asked how such a small country as Israel could beat such large neighbours, she replies,
"Well, boys, it's like this. We called up all the doctors, and we called up all the dentists, and we called up all the lawyers, and we gave them all a gun each and put them in the front line.
"And when we yelled "CHARGE"....BOY ! ! Do they know how to Charge!!!!!"
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Last edited by azyid; 10-02-2004 at 10:31 PM.
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Unread 10-03-2004, 11:13 PM   #241
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Re: Jokes (3)

~Physical Exercise ~


This is really great! The doctor told me, "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere. You too can get fit!

Monday: Beat around the bush Jump to conclusions Climb the walls Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday: Drag my heels Push my luck Make mountains out of molehills Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday: Bend over backwards Jump on the bandwagon Balance the books Run around in circles.

Thursday: Toot my own horn Climb the ladder of success Pull out the stops Add fuel to the fire.

Friday: Open a can of worms Put my foot in my mouth Start the ball rolling Go over the edge.

Saturday: Pick up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! You are invited to use my program without charge!

You might want to take it easy at first, and then do it faster as you become more proficient.

**ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM**

SCROLL DOWN


































NOW SCROLL UP.................Feel the burn?
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Unread 10-04-2004, 12:21 AM   #242
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Re: Jokes (3)

yes, i feel the burn
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Unread 10-04-2004, 11:05 PM   #243
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Re: Jokes (3)

and, boy, does it burn!
(amgel, i suspect that you might be a phsychologist!)
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Unread 10-05-2004, 12:35 AM   #244
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Re: Jokes (3)

Azyid-great job on the workout!lol!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
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Unread 10-05-2004, 10:05 AM   #245
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Re: Jokes (3)

Nice one...
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Unread 10-05-2004, 10:24 PM   #246
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Re: Jokes (3)

who put the colons in?
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Unread 10-10-2004, 01:38 AM   #247
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Re: Jokes (3)

........
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Unread 10-10-2004, 11:32 AM   #248
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Re: Jokes (3)

YossTeck-
I saw the picture and didn't find it funny making fun of people. That's what I was asking you.
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Unread 10-10-2004, 02:53 PM   #249
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Re: Jokes (3)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tevuna
YossTeck-
I saw the picture and didn't find it funny making fun of people. That's what I was asking you.
I dont think the picture is making Fun of anyone!
it is just cute the way it happens! first it looks like they are davening or something then it looks like a simcha.....

it could have been done with lubavitchers!
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Unread 10-10-2004, 04:31 PM   #250
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Re: Jokes (3)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tevuna
YossTeck-
I saw the picture and didn't find it funny making fun of people. That's what I was asking you.
How do you turn a picture like that into making fun of someone? I don't like liberals that think everyone is out to attack them.
I just happened to find that on the internet and it belonged to a set that was "Look what this picture really is".
Where do you possibly come up with that it is making fun of someone?
Well in any case, let me explain it for the slow among us.
First it shows some type of Chassidim, no making fun there. Then it shows them closer up at what looks like a wedding, no making fun there either. Then it shows what is really happening, the Chossidim are really playing basketball, but it looked like a wedding. Hmm, no making fun there either, just a simple joke, that is now ruined because of people with no sense of humor. Have you visited GetAChai.com lately?
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