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Unread 02-03-2004, 10:05 PM   #1
CyberLub
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Jokes (3)

This is a serious post:

Please continue posting your jokes here.
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Unread 02-03-2004, 11:09 PM   #2
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An immigrant mother walked into a U.S. photography studio. "How much it costs, please, for children's pictures?"
"Ten dollars for six" the photographer said.
The woman's face fell. "Oh, I'll have to come back! So far, I only have two"!

Adam and Chava had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could've married and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked!

In the school lunchroom a teacher put a sign by the apples. "Take only one apple, G-d is watching". By the chocolate chip cookies a child put a sign. "Take all you want, G-d is watching the apples!"
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Unread 02-05-2004, 01:23 PM   #3
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While walking down the street one day a well-known
female Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by S Peter
at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says S Peter. "Before
you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom
see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What
we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in
Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be
in Heaven," says the head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that,S Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes
down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she
finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a club and standing in front of it
are all her friends and other politicians who had
worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening
dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce
about the good times they had while getting rich at
expense of the people. They play a friendly game of
golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also
present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly
guy who has a good time dancing and telling
jokes. They are having such a good time that, before
she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her
a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on
Heaven where S. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven," says Saint Peter.

So 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of
contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing
the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
S Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day
in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your
eternity."

The lady Senator reflects for a minute, then
she answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I
mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in Hell."

So S Peter escorts her to the elevator and
she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of
the elevator open and she is in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees
all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash
and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to
her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. Yesterday
I was here and there was a golf course and club and we
ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great
time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage
and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday
we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."
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Unread 02-05-2004, 01:25 PM   #4
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The Gender of Computers

Why computers should be considered masculine:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

Why computers should be feminine:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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Unread 02-05-2004, 01:52 PM   #5
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A drunk man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Get everyone here a drink on me, and get one for yourself too"

The bartender pours a round of drinks, including one for himself, then says to the drunk, "That will be $45."

The drunk says, "I don't have any money."

The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats him up.

The next night the same drunk walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Get everyone here a drink on me, and one for yourself too."

The bartender thinks, this guy can't be that stupid to come in here two nights in a row with no money, so he pours a round, has one himself, bumps the guy and says "That will be $50."

The drunk says "I don't have any money."

The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats him up again.

The next night, the same drunk walks into the bar and tells the bartender to get a round for everyone.

The bartender says, "What about one for myself?"

To which the drunk replies, "No way, you get too mean when you drink."
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Unread 02-05-2004, 01:53 PM   #6
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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
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Unread 02-09-2004, 05:48 AM   #7
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LOL :P..^

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
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Unread 02-09-2004, 10:53 AM   #8
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A moron was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver
thermos. He was quite fascinated by it, so he picked it up and took it
over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot
and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the moron, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!"

So he bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

His boss, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" she asked.

"Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold," the moron replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two popsicles and some coffee."
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Unread 02-09-2004, 10:54 AM   #9
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over the bay, they'd be "bagels."
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Unread 02-09-2004, 10:56 AM   #10
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The lawyer was reading out the Will of Sam Rosenblatt, a rich man,
to those people mentioned in the Will:

"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good, the house and $2 million.

"To my daughter Sahra, who looked after me in illness and kept the
business going, the yacht, the business, and $1 million.

" To my nephew Irving, my 2 Jaguars, and my winter home in Aspen.

"And to my cousin Morris, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong again Morris !

So Hello, Morris!"
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Unread 02-09-2004, 10:57 AM   #11
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A mother was reading a Bible story to her young daughter. She read
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt".

Her daughter asked "What happened to the flea?"
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Unread 02-09-2004, 11:02 AM   #12
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Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First" Meets the 21st Century

ABBOTT answering the phone: This is the Ultimate Super Duper
Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows!
Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of
words. But what program do I load?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in "office" is "office."

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows"?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big blue W if you don't give me a
straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business.. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two,
three, and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words
left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again.
But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do
you have to help me track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra
charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of
Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but
I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your
money?

ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it
for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a
business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home
business. You know -- accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money
for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash.
And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was
GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word -- the Word in Office for
Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in ... Oh, never mind. *click*

ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me?
Oh, well.
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Unread 02-09-2004, 09:08 PM   #13
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oysh, that was even hard to read
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Unread 02-16-2004, 07:55 PM   #14
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ANoyther reason why computers are feminine: They're very unpredictably, inexplicably moody.
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Unread 02-19-2004, 11:14 PM   #15
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"All people are Jews, but not everybody knows about it"
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אמר הרבי מקוצק: לא כל מה שחושבין נכון לומר. לא כל מה שמדברים
.נכון לכתוב. לא כל מה שכותבין נכון להדפיס
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Unread 02-20-2004, 10:05 AM   #16
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Have a nice day, unless you have other plans!
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Unread 02-20-2004, 12:34 PM   #17
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It was late at night when we picked up friends at the Burlington airport. Since it was their first visit to Vermont, we tried to describe the scenery they were missing as we drove home. We rounded a bend and I commented, "From here, in the daylight, you can see the Adirondack Mountains beyond Lake Champlain." Peering into the darkness, one friend exclaimed, "Oh, how theoretically beautiful!"
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Unread 02-24-2004, 02:17 PM   #18
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Yeshivish humor:

http://yucs.org/~frazers/yhumor.html
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אמר הרבי מקוצק: לא כל מה שחושבין נכון לומר. לא כל מה שמדברים
.נכון לכתוב. לא כל מה שכותבין נכון להדפיס
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Unread 02-25-2004, 01:08 PM   #19
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Yankel is walking down the street when he bumps into his old friend Schmerel.

"Hey Schmerel, I haven't seen you in a few years! How have you been doing?"

"Horrible," says Schmerel, "my wife died."

"Your wife died? didn't she die 5 years ago?" asks Yankel

"Yes," says Schmerel, "but I got remarried."

"Oh really?" says Yankel, "MAZEL TOV!!!!"
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Unread 02-25-2004, 02:11 PM   #20
iamachassid
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Breezy check post 62297, by Dr. Yisroel
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Unread 02-25-2004, 03:47 PM   #21
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A prominent young attorney is on his way to court when he gets hit by a bus.

Suddenly he finds himself up against the heavenly court.

"This has to be a mistake!" exclaims the lawyer. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

The court replies, "Gee, that’s funny. Based on the number of hours you’ve billed to clients we thought you had to be at least 105."
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Unread 02-25-2004, 04:24 PM   #22
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getting ready for Purim

1. What tefilah do you say in an elevator?
Yaaleh veyavo

2. What Brachah is made on suspenders?
somech noflim

3. What brachah do you make when you sit on chewing gum?Leishev Bazooka

4.What do you say when you fall off your seat while riding through the desert?
Ashirah Lahashem ki gamal alai

5. What do you say at the gas station when you're in a hurry?
Ki gaz chish venaufah

6. What do you say on a flat tire?
Tetze rucho yashuv leadmaso

7. What does a mother say while feeding her child?
Harchev picha vaamaleihu

8. What does the husband say to his wife when the baby cries at night?
Vaatzas Hashem - hi takum!

9. What does the wife say?
Vaatzas Hashem hi - takum!
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Unread 02-29-2004, 01:29 PM   #23
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1.Two peanuts walk into an alley, and one was a salted.

2. A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

5. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

6. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.

7. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

8. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

9. I went to the butcher's the other day and I offered to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "I won't take that bet; the steaks are too high."

10. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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Unread 02-29-2004, 03:41 PM   #24
iamachassid
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#3 is the only one I don't get
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Unread 02-29-2004, 03:54 PM   #25
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"We don't serve food" vs. "We don't serve TO food"
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