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Unread 01-22-2008, 12:13 AM   #226
chitas=connect
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Let me know if you change your mind...or get permission from the mods to pm me.
how do i get that permission
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Unread 01-22-2008, 12:36 AM   #227
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B"H

The source is Likutei Sichos v.26, p.138, footnote 50
We went through that several times, and it says no such thing.
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Unread 01-22-2008, 04:30 AM   #228
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I dont know how bad this sounds.......... but i have a void in my life...... feel empty.....lonely though i have a ton of other friends and some really good friends....... i tried to fill my time so i wont always be thinking of him..... didnt help enough....what do i do.....im on the verge of going back
Calm down. My advice to you would be to try to find ONE good loyal friend from your own gender that you look up to and doesn't struggle with these things so that you may confide in her and the 2 of you could strengthen eachother in various ways. This of course would be even more powerful (but not a substitute) than a Mashpia!
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Unread 01-22-2008, 03:02 PM   #229
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aaronke, I do have such a friend like you describe, we are very close, but she doesnt know what to tell me about this. i was so prod of myself that i broke up with him and i was acting more chassidish and stuff but now i wanna go back, im lonely
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Unread 01-22-2008, 04:38 PM   #230
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Dear chittas=connect, I fully feel for you. I've had times when I felt lonely and allowed myself to be distracted in all sorts of ways as a result, the end result - No fullfillment and just more lonliness. My experiences tell me that if G-d forbid you would resume that relationship again, one thing for sure will happen, you will fall into it even more deeply than last time, and when you come back to chabadtalk for help you will even be more torn apart and your strength and abilty to restablize will be more limited and will be even harder. It's clear that this relationship is not meant to be at all (at least FOR NOW) for many reasons psychologicaly and mostly because the Torah doesn't bless it. There will be just more confusion and turmoil inside of you, since your soul is so precious and pure and cannot handle this form of flasehood, as is clearly apparent from your joining this forum with your question in the first place. It would be almost like taking a form of drug to alleviate lonliness, and we all know that in the long term, the drug isn't your friend...
In my experience and as anyone can tell you, lonliness comes from a feeling of void, something which a lot of us feel at various times for various reasons of all kind. The thing that always helped me the most to get out of this kind of mess is to do what's called a "reframing" of the situation and to look at it like my Neshomo is experienceing growing pains and a thirst to advance, resulting in this feeling of void and lonliness. And I would ask myself what I can do to use out this opportunity to the best of my ability. Sometimes I would go out and look for someone even lonlier than myself and see how I could possibly put a smile on their face, with words of encouragement or simply by being there for them. Can you go visit someone who is ill or do some Mivtzoim?
P.S. I'm more than happy to continue learning Prakim of Tanya for the Zechus of your success and happiness and emerging a WINNER in this battle.
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Unread 01-23-2008, 12:33 AM   #231
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this void is coming from wanting the wrong things not from the neshama experiancing growing pains.
how would making someone else happy take away this lonliness?
thank you for the tanya offer but id rather sort this out practically
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Unread 01-23-2008, 01:16 AM   #232
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Originally Posted by chitas=connect View Post
this void is coming from wanting the wrong things not from the neshama experiancing growing pains.
how would making someone else happy take away this lonliness?
thank you for the tanya offer but id rather sort this out practically
You're wrong! You are confusing the chicken with the egg. The "wanting the wrong things" is coming from your void not vice versa! See the Rebbe's pirush on "Habor Rek eyn bo amyim - mayim eyn bo aval nachshim veakravim yesh bo"...

If you were truly focused on what you have to do and completely put your mind and heart into it, there would not be any place in your mind for this. I suggested making someone else happy for several reasons - nothing gives a Mentchliche person more satisfaction than making someone's day and helping them. This then would automitacly take away some of that void. Also, I've found from my expereinces and from what it says all over that when you help someone and fill their need, Hashem in turn (mida keneged mida) fills yours... Go try it and see what happens!
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Unread 01-23-2008, 01:18 AM   #233
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FWIW, when you see all those secular Israeli's touring India, Thailand etc. it's (ask any Rov and Mashpia and they'll second this) because their Neshomo is searching for something. Any many don't stop until they find the real thing - Yiddishkeit...
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Unread 01-23-2008, 01:21 AM   #234
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I've met people who fryed out and then came back and they all agreed that anyone who did Znus has a MUCH harder time getting back into Yiddishkeit!!!!!!!!!
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Unread 01-23-2008, 12:23 PM   #235
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Learning Chassidus certainly refines the Neshomo which will give you even more strength in this battle. And another reason why helping someone would be a remedy, the Alter Rebbe says that the mitzvah of Tzedoko (which includes all acts of goodness and kindness in the physical and spiritual form) makes your mind and heart pure 1000 times over and the Tzemach Tzedek comments on this - "Eyn ze guzma Klal!" (This is not an exageration at all)...
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Unread 01-23-2008, 01:18 PM   #236
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To interject for lack of any discussion on A"K.... Look ahead to the future..which scenario are u / do u want....

Scenario A
married to husband.... only man you speak to is basically your husband...except maybe the grocer etc but there is no relationship...
Same set of girl friends as before....
You do not use other men for an outlet for LONLINESS.

Scenario B
married to husband
couples socializing... cross socializing
"platonic" relationships with other men.
When husband is at work and you are bored / at your job /etc..you socialize with other men AS YOU ARE STILL LONELY.


Things could work out well in either scenario perhaps...
dissonance occurs when each spouse envisions a different scenario or
one of the spouse's friends / coworker / neighbor envisions the opposite from you...

No and I am not Manis...though nthis is beginning to sound like his borders book...
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Unread 01-23-2008, 03:45 PM   #237
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[quote=Aaronke;139223]Dear chittas=connect, I fully feel for you. I've had times when I felt lonely and allowed myself to be distracted in all sorts of ways as a result, the end result - No fullfillment and just more lonliness. My experiences tell me that if G-d forbid you would resume that relationship again, one thing for sure will happen, you will fall into it even more deeply than last time, and when you come back to chabadtalk for help you will even be more torn apart and your strength and abilty to restablize will be more limited and will be even harder. It's clear that this relationship is not meant to be at all (at least FOR NOW) for many reasons psychologicaly and mostly because the Torah doesn't bless it. There will be just more confusion and turmoil inside of you, since your soul is so precious and pure and cannot handle this form of flasehood, as is clearly apparent from your joining this forum with your question in the first place. It would be almost like taking a form of drug to alleviate lonliness, and we all know that in the long term, the drug isn't your friend...
QUOTE]

B"H
Yud-Ches Shvat

Wow! I have not been on in a while, and certainly have not posted in quite sometime, I was just so moved by the whole current sitch beign discussed, and I am also so thouroughly impressed with the depth and understanding of the above post! Aronke, you seem to hit the hammer on the nail precisely for the emotions etc. that so many go through.

Chitas_Connect, I completely understand where you're coming from. It's more than a loneliness isn't it? It's just a LACK. Everything else is seemingly good, you have most of what you need, lots of what you want... and yet? There's something missing.
I want you to know that you are not alone in this what-so-ever. Everywhere there are bochurim and bochurettes who feel this. It doesn't matter if you are super Chassidish, or not yet there. You're human, and the feeling of "lacking" something is more than understandable, it's a true reality.

Of course you're lacking something... the other half of your Neshoma is residing in another person.

It seems to me that you are in touch with your Neshoma, and that is why you feel this loneliness/lack. That is also why you are having such a Yetzer Hora from it. Not only do you possess your Neshoma, you acknowledge and embrace it. You have the capability of becoming a great person, a true Chossid. Thus a stumbling block has been put before you.

This block isn't telling you to do something you once thought crazy. Rather, your Yetzer Hora is busy making excuses as to why this whole thing is basically rational, and not really against Torah etc.

Obviously though, you have prevailed against your Yetzer Hora, and you broke up with him.
Please, I'm asking you with tears in my eyes, realize that you did the right thing, and the satisfaction of doing the right thing should bring you more fulfillment then falling back into this relationship.

I have dealt with so many friends of mine, etc. all about this, and no matter what, people have gotten "burnt".

I don't know if this aplies to you or not, but I think the biggest Yetzer Hora is when you tell yourself that it's okay to speak to him because you plan on marrying him.

To this, I answer two things:
1) When you are young, and just formatting who you are becoming, dating someone with the intent of marriage stunts your growth. You do not grow into you, you grow into "his wife". Meaning you make yourself become the type of person that he should marry. You might not be bothered by this, but if the relationship crashes, and there is no marriage, then who are you? This is why so many teens have such identity crisis. They fit themselves to become "the girlfriend of so-and-so" or even with their friends... It's far worse then plane peer pressure, it's changing your very existence. It's not even playing with fire, it's down right getting burnt!

2) If you do marry him, you forever live with the words of the Rebbe beating in your mind; If you're close when you're suppossed to be far, you will be far when you're supposed to be close. I know that it may seem quite understandable, but the words of the Rebbe, are very deep and very powerful. I know terrible, seriously awful stories about such things, and it's seriously a tragedy. If you are meant to marry him, then go about it in the Torah way and step aside until you are ready, and develop into you.

Also, as said above, if you go back to this relationship it is a lot harder to let go a second time. It is so unbelievably true. It's like a rope, you were connected to him, and then you severed the rope. If you tie it back together, the rope gets shorter, meaning that you are even closer than you were before. Furthermore, the knot is strong. It is extremely diffucult to cut a knot in a rope. It is so hard not to fall back into this relationship, but it will be far harder to get out of it a second time.

Also, don't let him play a guilt trip on you! If you want to stop this relationship he needs to respect your wants. And if he doesn't respect you, you don't want him anyways.

All this comes from my own personal experiences, in what i have done and b"H haven't done. A lot of my friends have confided in me about these things, and I can garuntee that it's only made them fall... a really hard fall too. You know the ones where you're left with a scratch that you think might scar, and every so often it burns you etc... Well yeh, it's kind of like that lol...
From my experiene and the experiences of other's, let me tell you that the most important thing is to keep busy.
I know it may sound like you are hiding from your emotions etc, but you're not. You're simply taking up the "lack" for the mean time. Do more Chesed (can't hurt can it?), take walks, learn with friends, build something, plan weekly Shabbos parties, just do SOMETHING.
You will not forget about him. It's impossible to forget about someone who you have put so much thought, energy, and emotions in. You might even think about him every day for a very very very long time... The key though is to stop such thoughts. Even trying to rationalize the whole thing, will leave you wanting to return.

Keep busy, and know that iy"H Hashem will fill the void for you in the right time with the most wonderful of a Chosson.
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Unread 01-23-2008, 04:13 PM   #238
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Confide in your mom or dad or both. You need their help with this.
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Unread 01-23-2008, 04:48 PM   #239
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Confide in your mom or dad or both. You need their help with this.
I second, third, and fourth that!!!
As I had said many many times before...
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Unread 02-03-2008, 02:28 AM   #240
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its me back again, my friend has been posting using my name shes the one with the boyfriend, anything in thi sthread posted under chitas=connect is her, but now she has her own username and will identify herself when she is ready good night!
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Unread 11-17-2008, 02:15 PM   #241
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Miss chitas=connect: I have this strange feeling that you made this entire situation up! Either you were just bored, or you had these questions and the poor you didnt know how to properly ask them so you created a scenario, or you wanted a boyfriend but obviously you cant have one- yet you wanted to experiance those "feelings" so you created this situation.
I think you have an apology to make.........
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Unread 11-17-2008, 02:54 PM   #242
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BS"D

Please delete. There is no point left in responding to what Chitas=connect may have done 9 months after she did it.

Last edited by Roomdreec; 11-17-2008 at 04:19 PM.
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Unread 11-17-2008, 03:55 PM   #243
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proud, it's an explicit halacha in the Yad, fifth Perek of Hilchos Yesodei HaTorah.
in yeshiva someone quoted that halacha and the rosh yeshiva wasted no time pointing out that he had entirely missunderstood it.

(the rambam omits much relevant information that can be gleaned from the place its found it talmud)
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Unread 11-17-2008, 10:04 PM   #244
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are any of you in agreement with me?

Is no one in agreement with me? read thru her posts you will see what i am saying.....
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Unread 11-18-2008, 12:31 AM   #245
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Is no one in agreement with me? read thru her posts you will see what i am saying.....
You maybe right and you may e wrong, but its not for us to judge. hope this doesnt come across as rude; but i dont think its very kind of you to atttack her in public like that
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Unread 11-18-2008, 04:59 AM   #246
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Is no one in agreement with me? read thru her posts you will see what i am saying.....
BS"D

She stopped answering in February. Why reopen the thread just to disparage her? She has moved on, whatever her motives were and whoever really posted that.
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Unread 11-18-2008, 06:31 AM   #247
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Ditto, ditto, and ditto. HeyHello, please edit, or we will ask the mods to do it for you.
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Unread 11-18-2008, 08:03 AM   #248
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HeyHEllo is right!!! (how he/she figured it out idk) I was going trhu a rocky stage at the time. i wanted a boyfriend yet knew i cant have one, i was waiting for someone to reach out to me, and i had these questions, it was a strange time fo rme. some of what i posted was true info most was not. basicaly i did not know how to ask my questions properly nor deal with my feelings properly. I have been meaning to apologize for some time now but i was too embarresed. now that its out in the open I will sieze the moment. To All Members Here At ChabadTALk: I herby apolgize for that wich i posted that was not the truth and i am extremely sorry for wasting your time. Sorry 100 times over. hope you can all forgive me (p.s. no hard feelings- heyhello)
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Unread 11-18-2008, 08:42 AM   #249
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Then I apologize to HeyHello.
Chitas, if you ever need help, we're here. Don't worry about it.....
And just by the way, though your teachers may never validate them, your feelings are and were 100% normal. Granted, the fact that I didn't go through that stage means I'm not, but whatever....
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Unread 11-18-2008, 10:11 AM   #250
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Chitas



you never know,maybe someone else will benefit from this thread
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