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Unread 06-19-2011, 12:33 AM   #1
Hattie
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Keeping My Distance

I'm a (very recently) 12 year old Shlucha living in a very small community (1 frum but not Chabad family, 1 Chabad family -- that being mine) and I go to a mixed school, the only schooling option for now (I will I"YH be going to Beis Rivkah next year).

But right now I have a very hard time keeping my distance from boys. Because I've never told anyone about Shomer Negiah, (the only other frum person in school being my Jewish Studies teacher, and he is only just frum, in a very chilled way at that -- so he is not at all careful about it) and although I am very careful not to touch boys ever, they don't know anything about it, and I simply don't have the courage to tell them.

Also I am very relaxed around them, which I am working very hard on.

Any advice on how to keep my distance would be sooo appreciated!
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Unread 06-19-2011, 04:46 AM   #2
mosheh5769
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hattie View Post
I'm a (very recently) 12 year old Shlucha living in a very small community (1 frum but not Chabad family, 1 Chabad family -- that being mine) and I go to a mixed school, the only schooling option for now (I will I"YH be going to Beis Rivkah next year).

But right now I have a very hard time keeping my distance from boys. Because I've never told anyone about Shomer Negiah, (the only other frum person in school being my Jewish Studies teacher, and he is only just frum, in a very chilled way at that -- so he is not at all careful about it) and although I am very careful not to touch boys ever, they don't know anything about it, and I simply don't have the courage to tell them.

Also I am very relaxed around them, which I am working very hard on.

Any advice on how to keep my distance would be sooo appreciated!
I personaly know a girl who is in the same situation for 3 years now, because of a lack of a frim school where she lives in shlichus. She talked about her religious observances all around her, in a very friendly tone, and it was very welle received by every body. Now, every time they have an activity or something like that, they always consult her first to see if there is no religious prohibition for her or something like that, so that they can accomodate to her standards (she even have someone to write for her during the periods when we should abstain from writting if not needed). She made such an impression on her classmates that other girls became a little more religious and conscient about yiddishkeit.

It does not work so well every time, but you should speak about some of your religious standards in a very acceptable way, and maybe, by being a living example of what a yid is, you will influence other girls to be more conscient of their yiddishkeit.

Atzlacha Rabba!
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Unread 06-19-2011, 08:27 AM   #3
Smirnoff
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I can put you in touch with another girl, who, at your age, came to Chabadtalk with the very same situation. I think she may be of some real help. Would you mind if I passed on your email address?

Please let me know,

Smirnoff
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Unread 06-19-2011, 11:26 AM   #4
noahidelaws
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If you have to talk to them, keep it very brief and business-like, don't chat about anything else at all, and excuse yourself politely as soon as the necessary discussion has ended.
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Unread 08-15-2011, 01:26 AM   #5
Hattie
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mosheh5769 View Post
I personaly know a girl who is in the same situation for 3 years now, because of a lack of a frim school where she lives in shlichus. She talked about her religious observances all around her, in a very friendly tone, and it was very welle received by every body. Now, every time they have an activity or something like that, they always consult her first to see if there is no religious prohibition for her or something like that, so that they can accomodate to her standards (she even have someone to write for her during the periods when we should abstain from writting if not needed). She made such an impression on her classmates that other girls became a little more religious and conscient about yiddishkeit.

It does not work so well every time, but you should speak about some of your religious standards in a very acceptable way, and maybe, by being a living example of what a yid is, you will influence other girls to be more conscient of their yiddishkeit.

Atzlacha Rabba!
The problem now is that I've been bas mitzvah for a while, saying now that I can't would just be weird, and very very very hard. I'm not sure how to explain, I think you would have to be in my situation to understand (I don't wish it on anyone).
Oh, and by the way, I'm not accepted by most of my class. I just have 3 good friends and the rest think I'm nerdy. So I have no interest in lowering my status in class by saying all this. School is hard enough as it is. (Please, don't tell me that it won't turn out for the bad -- I know my class and I know it will!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Smirnoff View Post
I can put you in touch with another girl, who, at your age, came to Chabadtalk with the very same situation. I think she may be of some real help. Would you mind if I passed on your email address?

Please let me know,

Smirnoff
I'm ready yesterday!!!!!!! I'll message you.

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Originally Posted by noahidelaws View Post
If you have to talk to them, keep it very brief and business-like, don't chat about anything else at all, and excuse yourself politely as soon as the necessary discussion has ended.
noahidelaws, obv you have never been in this situation. I can't do that! I can't explain why, don't ask me too, it's too hard. You won't understand. And you know how I know that you won't understand? Because before I got into this mess, I was reading some posts how some people had similar problems, and I thought to myself, "Oh, if they wanted to get themselves out of it they could, they just don't want to!", etc. Now I'm feeling like them and I know it's not easy at all.

P.S. I am considered a 'good girl'. Remember, this can happen to anyone! Please don't judge if this happens to an acquaintance of yours -- help them! They need it!
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Unread 08-15-2011, 10:12 PM   #6
Smirnoff
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I'm ready yesterday!!!!!!! I'll message you.
Quote:
Smirnoff I want to contact you re the girl you said that was going through a similar situation to me, but your email doesn't work (I tried it). Can you tell me your real one PLEASE? Thanks
smirnoffct[at]aol[dot]com
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Unread 08-15-2011, 11:10 PM   #7
emes m'eretz
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Originally Posted by Hattie View Post
Any advice on how to keep my distance would be sooo appreciated!
Perhaps you can keep something in your hand, or keep your hand in your pocket. There is then less tendency for someone to try to shake hands.

If they do extend their hand, you can say that you don't shake for religious reasons. (I think that these days there is more understanding and sensitivity for cultural and religious differences.)

You deserve a lot of credit for your determination and efforts. It reminds me of when the Jews stood in front of Yam Suf, and Moshe said to go onward, and Nachshon jumped into the waters, and the waters parted before them (and didn't touch them) and they walked through.

And we often see this, that when we make a firm determination to do what G-d wants, that He helps us succeed.

Hope to hear good news.
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Unread 08-16-2011, 08:25 AM   #8
noahidelaws
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Hattie, I was explaining what it seems that Torah requires of you to do. I did not mean to judge you or imply that following through on it would be easy. May Hashem give you much strength.
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Unread 02-18-2013, 01:08 AM   #9
Vechaby770
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advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by emes m'eretz View Post
Perhaps you can keep something in your
hand, or keep your hand in your pocket. There is then less tendency for someone to try to shake hands.

If they do extend their hand, you can say that you don't shake for religious reasons. (I think that these days there is more understanding and sensitivity for cultural and religious differences.)

You deserve a lot of credit for your determination and efforts. It reminds me of when the Jews stood in front of Yam Suf, and Moshe said to go onward, and Nachshon jumped into the waters, and the waters parted before them (and didn't touch them) and they walked through.

And we often see this, that when we make a firm determination to do what G-d wants, that He helps us succeed.

Hope to hear good news.
I personally salute and say "due to religious reasons we don't shake hands, but I salute you regardless. and if they ask if we respect women I tell them its because we respect them and not the other way around that we don't touch because, like Area 51 its only with certain ppl and times aso- and so on
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