Jokes (3)

[amgel49]

~Tashlich~

Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors. ..

For ordinary sins.....................White Bread
For complex sins......................Multigrain
For twisted sins......................Pretzels
For sins of indecision................Waffles
For sins committed in haste...........Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah..................Fresh Bread
For tasteless sins....................Rice Cakes
For ill-temperedness..................Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity...........Nut Bread
For not giving full value.............Shortbread
For unnecessary chances...............Hero Bread
For overeating........................Stuffing
For pride and egotism.................Puff Pastry
For sycophancy, brown-nosing..........Brownies
For being overly smothering...........Angel Food Cake
For laziness..........................Any long loaf
For trashing the environment..........Dumplings
... and my personal favorite:
For telling bad jokes/puns............Corn Bread


Leshana Tova Tikoseivu v' Chag Sameach to everyone on Chabadtalk!

[Nissan]

Um, did I mention that YossTek is having a bake sale?

[amgel49]

~A priest and a rabbi~

A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.
After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She turns her head and laughs. The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?"
Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur...so, even when it comes to sin, the goyyim pay retail....."

[amgel49]

~Oy Double Vey!~

LOL!>>

Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent."
"What was the sin?" the rabbi asked.
"It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread."
"Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?"
"I felt awkward Rabbi," said Morris. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant."
The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?"
"I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed."
"And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked.
Morris replied, "It was Yom Kippur."

[Nissan]

That reminds me of a man I once knew...
He had 4 refigerators, one for Milchig, one for Fleishig, one for Pareve, and one for when he felt like eating treif.
(C'V)

[amgel49]

There are 3 little boys in Shule.
They, like any other young kids, get bored with the sermon and start talking and goofing off.
After the service, the Rabbi calls the two boys in the hall while he brings the other boy in to talk to him.
"Chaim," he says "Where is G-d?"
Chaim looks scared and runs out of the office.
As he runs by, he grabs his friend and says "Run, quick! G-d is missing and they think we took him!!"

[Nissan]

Lol , that joke always reminds me of my Zaide.

[amgel49]

Fly, Soup, the Usual

In a restaurant, a disgusted customer says: Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?
The waiter, after taking a close look says: It looks like backstroke, Sir.

[amgel49]

The brave Rabbi
One early winter morning, Rabbi Bloom was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water trying hard to stay afloat. It looked so sad and exhausted that Rabbi Bloom jumped in and after a struggle managed to bring it out alive.
A passer by saw this and said, “That was very brave of you. Are you a vet?”
Rabbi Bloom replied, “Of course I’m a vet? I’m a freezing cold as well.”

[amgel49]

Most of the time, they don't mean that literally...

[amgel49]

Who would have thought...

[amgel49]

Look what happens when you dont chew your food properly.....

[roza]

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[stwill]

lololol!

[jewgal84]

Almost like "Who's on First" !

[amgel49]

When You think you Noah everything..

What animal could Noah not trust?
The cheetah

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
Flood lights

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
Noah was sitting on the deck

Who was the best financier in the Bible?
Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation..

Where did Noah keep the bees?
In the ark hives.

[amgel49]

This was from a w-h-i-l-e ago but there have been some new delicous Israeli ice cream flavours that have come out ...

Oy Ge-Malt
Wailing Wal-nut
Cherry Bim
Bubble Gum-ora
Mi Ka-mocha
Lemontations Soda & Gomorra
Weizman Instituti-Fruittii
Manishta Nut
Af Al Pecan
Rachma Nut
Moishmallow Maimonidip ( Rumbomb)
Rhubarbanel
Chazalnut
Shulamit Spumoni
Zalmond Schacter
Abba Ebanana
Bernard Malamint
Molly Pecan
Cashew Lepesach
Kol HaVodka
Mizrachi Road
Tora Shebe'al Pear
Chuppapaya
Butter Shkotz
Prune Ur'voon
O-lime Habah
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Carmel Shake
Choc-Eilat Chip
Kol HaVodka
Cin'm'n Toff V'

[amgel49]

Heard this one during the drosh last week ,lol!

Suffering Jew.
A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, Sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."

[amgel49]

Duracell.
A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory.
His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".

[amgel49]

Knowledge.
The old rabbi was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
The old rabbi said, "Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?"
"Ahh, yes sir...."

[amgel49]

Abraham.
Q: Why did G-d test Abraham with sacrificing his only son, Isaac, when Isaac was only 12?
A: Because had Isaac been 16, Abraham may have actually gone through with it.

[amgel49]

......

[Torah613]

Sorry, that I'm not taking the time to send each one of you a personal note,
with my original and heartfelt greetings for you to be written and sealed
into the Book of Life,


To modern, ultra & just plain Orthodox Jews, Haredi Jews, Mitnagdim,
Conservative, Conservadox, Reform & ConForm Jews, Gartel Jews,
non-Gartel Jews, Jews with sheitels & without, Tichel Jews, Sheitel,
tichel & hat Jews, adult & child Jews, Frum from birth Jews, Baalei
Teshuva, Satmar, Agudah, black hat, kipa s'ruga, Mir, Munkacs, Belz,
Beta Yisrael, Bobov, Chaim Berlin, Y.U. Jews, payos in front of the
ear Jews, payos in back of the ear Jews, kipa only in shul/ hat in
shul/ no shul at all Jews, Mizrachi Jews, Jews by choice, Robe on
Friday night Jews, Likud Jews, Labor Jews, Meimad Jews, Ten Lost
Tribes Jews, cardiac Jews, Irish Jews, Black Jews, White Jews,
Rav Nachman Jews, Rav Shlomo Jews, Neturei Karta Jews, Hasidim,
Telz, Lakewood & Ner Yisrael Jews, Chofetz Chaim Jews,
Zaftig Jews, skinny Jews, Fremeiners, Dinevers, Kookies,
Celebrity Jews, Generation X,Y & Z Jews, NCSY Jews,
Solomon Schechter Jews, Chinuch Atzmai Jews, Fackenheim Jews,
Yitz Greenberg Jews, Kahane Jews, Feminist Jews, Chauvinist Jews,
egalitarian Jews, traditional Jews, Kaddish-zuger Jews, political
Jews, intellectual Jews, ignorant Jews, tomato Jews & orange Jews,
Shinui Jews, Shas Jews, Israeli Jews, American Jews, Persian Jews,
Russ Jews, Galitzianers, Litvaks, Polacks, Birthright Jews, single
Jews, married Jews, wish I was married Jews, Greener Jews, Redder
Jews, Scandinavian Jews, South of the Border Jews, Italian Jews, Bald
Jews, Hairy Jews, Canadian Jews, Latino Jews, Ladino Jews, Jews in
kapatas, Jews in T-shirts, Jews in sandals, Jews in gym shoes, Jews in
cowboy boots, Hungarian Jews, Czech Jews, Jews on the Hungarian-Czech
Border Jews, Ashkenazim, Sefardim, Yemenite Jews, Afrikaaner Jews,
Romanian Jews, Zionists, non-Zionists, anti-Zionists, post-Zionists,
Jews with an accent, Jews who speak perfect Midwestern English Hebrew,
Native American Jews, Anglo-Saxon Jews, French Jews, German Jews,
Greek Jews, Indian Jews, Chinese Jews, Jew who likes David Levy Jew,
Wannabee Jews, Conspiracy Theory Jews, Japanese Jews, Shayna Punim
Jews, Meesekite Jews, Closet Jews, Shnorrers, Baalei Tzedaka,
Tzadikim, Baynonim, Rashaim, Chacham-Tam-Ayni Yodea Jews, Chevramen &
Forbisseners, kvetching Jews, Guta Neshama Jews, Vizhnitzer, Ger,
Gerer, Chabadnik, Kohenim, Levi'im, Yisraelim, Machers, Mavens, &
Pashet Jews, EVERYKIND of Jew in this vast Universe:

May we all unite - without a fight!
And together ignite G-D's Great Light.
May we see a sweet and blessed year together with a true peace!!!

Shana Tovah!

[Nissan]

Also, Orange Jews, Apple Jews, and Grape Jews.

[nochayner]

a good piece of chocolate has about 200 calorie.
I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on the weekends.
I consume 3500 calories of chocolate in a week which equels one pound of weight per week. therefore in the last 3 1/2 years I have had a chocolate intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds,
so... without chocolate I would have of wasted away about 3 months ago !
I owe mylife to chocolate!