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Unread 02-29-2004, 08:14 PM   #26
roza
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It Pays To Advertise
Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Xrist on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Xrist crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."
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Unread 03-07-2004, 12:05 PM   #27
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remember this?:

the CT Megilla

and these:

book titles

it keeps going for a few pages, enjoy!
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Unread 03-07-2004, 02:10 PM   #28
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A L L F O O D I S T R E I F

Davar Purim-torah 5753 by
HaRav Hagadol Noach Kohol, the Schlitzer Rebbe, Sh'ti"ya

Many of you want to know whether the study of secular knowledge is
worthwhile, I have spent the last year studying secular sciences
with some of the most famous scientists in the world. Chemists,
physicists, biologists, geologists, computer scientists,
economists... I have learned from them, and I have found that their
knowledge is _crucial_ to the understanding of Torah, and thus I am
going to require that every talmid in my yeshiva obtain a PhD in
particle physics in addition to learning Torah.

"So," you may ask, "what did you find out from these scientists,
these 'lab rats,' these secular people, that was _so_ important?"
This is what I found:

ALL FOOD IS TREIF!!!

How can I say that all food is treif? Don't we have a complex system
in place to assure that meat is slaughtered correctly, that forbidden
ingredients are not present in our food? Don't we have well-trained
and pious shochetim and mashgichim? Don't our wives toil hard night
and day to uphold the kashrus of the kitchens in our homes? Yes,
Yes, YES! But Science teaches us that it's all to no avail. Our
food is treif before it even becomes food.

Consider that piece of so-called "glatt kosher" meat that you just
bought from a supposedly reliable butcher. Yes, the shochet did his
job. Yes, the butcher kashered it properly. But think! What are the
_ingredients_ of that piece of meat? What is the meat made of?

I'll tell you what the scientists told me. That meat is made of
CHONS. Carbon, Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Sulfur The
scientists also told me that CHONS is constantly being recycled and
redistributed around the world. Your very bodies may be made up of
pieces of CHONS that were once part of Mordechai...or part of Haman
(may his name be blotted out). That piece of "glatt kosher" meat is
made up of CHONS that was probably part of a PIG...or of a dinosaur!
And what's true for a piece of meat is also true for a cupcake or a
carrot. All food in the world is made up of CHONS, and CHONS is
TREIF!!!!!!!

What are we to do? First, if all food is treif, and we cannot eat
treif food, Torah-true Jews have a bit of a problem. But because we
are to live by the laws of the Torah and not starve to death by them,
I will invoke the principle of Pikuach Nefesh, and allow you all to
eat treif food for the time being. I have composed a short
meditation that I recommend saying before one eats treif food, so
that we all realize that we are eating treif food so that we can live
to observe the Torah. We are not like the assimilated Jews, who eat
treif food because it tastes good!!!

But this heter to eat treif food is only a short-term solution, and
that is the reason why I want my talmidim to study Science. We must
immediately begin research into the very secrets of matter itself, so
that we may be able to create CHONS that has never before existed in
the Universe. Once we do that, we can finally create truly kosher
food. The task will be difficult. Not only is food made up of
CHONS, but CHONS is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons,
neutrinos, quarks, maybe even Higgs bosons! Our research must be
thorough and careful to ensure that what we create must never have
existed anywhere before. That is our challenge. Every Jew must
become a scientist, and every yeshiva bochur must become a particle
physicist. Chag Purim sameach."

That particular shiur ended with dinner catered by Joe's Chesapeake
Crab House and Ma's Dixie Hog Bar-B-Q Pit. So far, Rabbi Kohol's
heter still stands. (at least for followers of the Schlitzer Rebbe.)

Rabbi Reuben Hodu,
Director of Public Affairs
The Schlitzer Purim-Torah Institute
Rechov Noach 77
Bene-'Araq, Israel

(c) 1993 by the Schlitzer Purim-Torah Institute.
This Davar Purim-Torah may be copied freely over computer networks as
long as credit is given to the Schlitzer Purim-Torah Institute
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Unread 03-07-2004, 03:05 PM   #29
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Hey - that was very similar to an argument someone once gave me - that if electricity is forbidden on Shabbos, then it is forbidden to move, for human movement also creates electrical current.
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Unread 03-07-2004, 08:50 PM   #30
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A major national environmental organization that also sponsors
outdoor outings has just published its 1994 Outings schedule. Those
who appreciate backpacking, mountain climbing, and other outdoor
adventures will want to sign up for the following outing displayed in
their "International" section:


TRIP# 10COM613
SINAI WILDERNESS EXPERIENCE

15 Nisan - 15 Nisan

Breathtaking wilderness vistas, profound religious
experiences, as well as hunger, thirst, and hostile locals will all
be in abundance during this 40-year adventure on foot through the
famous Sinai Peninsula. Pack animals will carry our loads as we rush
away from the overcrowded megalopolis of Lower Egypt on our journey
to the land of Canaan. As we leave Egypt we will experience an
exciting crossing of the Sea of Reeds and have a serious discussion
of wetland preservation issues with local environmental activists.
During our trek, we will receive important teachings, learn how to
find water in the desert and how to purify unpotable springs. For
artisans in the group, we will construct the world's first fully
portable, backpackable, ecologically sensitive religious shrine as a
group project. Nutritious food will be airlifted in daily, further
reducing the loads on our pack animals. Dietary Laws and Sabbath
VERY strictly observed. You don't have to be Jewish when you start
out, but you will be at the end!

Trip Leader: Moses Rabbenu

Price: The Egyptians are paying us to leave.

Deposit: Please slaughter a lamb without blemish and daub some of
its blood on the doorpost of your house. The trip leader will be in
contact with you on the night of 14 Nisan. Please be ready to leave
immediately.

If approved by the trip leader, you or your descendants will be able
to participate in companion trip JOSH12TRI, "Canaanite Conquest
Caravan"

Submitted by Joe Bachman
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Unread 03-07-2004, 09:04 PM   #31
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JEWISH PERSONAL ADS
-------------------

Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major
Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27.

I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from
birth. Seeking same. POB 46.

Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only.
Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 77.

Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup,
Stanley Cup. Seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup. POB 58.

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get.
Get it? I'll show you mine if you show me yours. POB 72.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires
female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under
30 is also OK. POB 64.

Eh, shalom aleichem... So maybe you want to meet me, although all
right, you probably don't. Nu, so if you change your mind, maybe
epess you'll write me, but if not, it's OK, I understand. My
name is Shaya Bochur. POB 55.

Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee
Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during sefirah.
Seeking wife. POB 41.

Agnostic dyslexic insomniac male, seeks similar female to stay up
all night to discuss whether or not there really is a DOG. POB 83.

Can't meet women?
Want to meet women?
Ready to meet women?
Join Amit Women. POB 60.

Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call
them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.

Businessman, 51, manufactures Jewish novelty items: chai chairs,
chai-fi stereos, chai ball glasses, chai jump equipment. Seeks
woman with chai standards. POB 13.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av,
Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar
B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.
POB 90.

Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would
like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.

Single, attractive, successful, self-absorbed woman, 34, seeks to
save money by spending yours. POB 27.

Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop,
looking for Jewish man with sense of humus. POB 789.

You're probably wondering why an accomplished PhD, LLB, MBA,
DDS, MD, and Rhodes Scholar like me isn't married yet. I'm a
meeskite. POB 766.

Mama's boy from Brooklyn, seeks wife willing to suffer abuse from
my Mommy. POB 424.

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful
Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 843.

Boychik seeking girlchik. POB 617.

Tumtumchik seeking androgynuschik. POB 24.

Crossing Delancey? Make a left on Orchard Street. Follow Hester
two blocks to Rivington. Turn left on Grand. That's where I
live. Come visit. POB 457.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.

I enjoy long walks, candlelight dinners, sailing, travel to
Europe, and I think this ad should be in New York Magazine
instead. Sorry.

Classy carrot seeking sugar daddy to make tzimmes together.
Prunes need not apply. POB 66.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
POB 78.

Jewish man, watches TV on Friday night with time clock, eats fish
at non-kosher restaurants, doesn't wear yarmulke at work. Modern
Orthodox. POB 98.

Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last
week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your
gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you
again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.

Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't
believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks
glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of
dybbuks, seeks mench. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will
accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just
forget it. POB 435.

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light
Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah
candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
POB 787.

SFDJMBA -- Do I have to spell out everything for you? POB 333.

If I were sour cream and you were a blintze, what kind of filling
would you have? Single Jewish woman, loves to cook, wants to
satisfy your appetite. POB 987.

BT with TB seeks FFB RN with RX of TLC. Initially I'm a nice
guy. POB 676.

80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome Jewish male,
under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to.
Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in
me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made.
Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing,
track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76.

All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out.
Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655.

Yeshiva graduate, 38, handsum, carring, sinsere. Wood make gud
huzband. Seeks frum girl with publick schul background to help
me with my speling. POB 345.
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Unread 03-07-2004, 09:32 PM   #32
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We learn that "meshnichnas Adar marbin besimha", when the month of
Adar comes in we increase our happiness. We also learn "meshenichnas
Av memaatin besimha", when the month of Av comes in we decrease our
happiness. Nowhere is it written that we stop increasing, or
decreasing, our happiness, except for the other saying.

We therefore see that starting in Adar our happiness increases
monotonically* until Av, when it starts to decrease monotonically. We
therefore see that the last day of Tamuz is the happiest day of the
year, and the last day of Shevat is the saddest day of the year.

*monotonically is a fancy word for increasing
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Unread 03-08-2004, 03:19 AM   #33
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Thumbs up

I liked the personals, Jude!

Tell me the truth - aren't some of them real?
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Unread 03-22-2004, 05:36 PM   #34
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In Israel, the ministry of Health together with the ministry of Defense came up with a new method of curing the paralyzed.
Click here to see the pictures -before and after the "operation"

http://www.livejournal.com/users/sha...ik/368111.html
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Unread 03-22-2004, 07:19 PM   #35
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care to translate?
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Unread 03-22-2004, 07:25 PM   #36
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i did ...

<<<the ministry of Health together with the ministry of Defense came up with a new method of curing the paralyzed.>>

the picture on the left-says " before operation (surgery)"
the picture on the right says "after operation (liqudation)"
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Unread 03-22-2004, 07:51 PM   #37
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LOL! I wonder what other dificulties will merit such solutions (no pun intended!) in Eretz Yisrael!
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Unread 03-31-2004, 03:53 PM   #38
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if anyone wants-

this you put at the enterance of your computer

http://img.lj.com.ua/sylphida/hamsa.JPG
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Unread 04-03-2004, 04:04 PM   #39
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Coming up to pesach the Yamer Rov (Yankel Miller) (or the the Yammer Gabbe as he sometimes calls himself!) Says he was asked to come to the golden wedding anniversary of a freind. He asked him how can you be up to 50 years I remember you weddind was only 35 years ago? so he told him You are right but the "koshi Hashibud" made up for it!
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Unread 04-04-2004, 02:10 AM   #40
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funny how the other jokes threads grew so fast and this one is barely coming along. Too tired now to think of one and type it!
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Unread 04-04-2004, 02:58 AM   #41
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Perhaps try taking Jokes from the old thread, most people (besides maybe Jude) won't even notice.
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Unread 04-04-2004, 12:29 PM   #42
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jude will tell us all once she notices.
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Unread 04-04-2004, 03:41 PM   #43
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Someone once asked the Yammer Rov what to do with his mezuzos when he burnt the factory down, bc your not supossed to take them off but if he left them on they would get burnt?
He told him take them off to be bodek them.
And the makor is in Pesochim first u make the bedikah and then the sreifah!
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Unread 04-04-2004, 03:47 PM   #44
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Someone once asked the Yammer Rov what to do with his mezuzos when he burnt the factory down, bc your not supossed to take them off but if he left them on they would get burnt?
He told him take them off to be bodek them.
And the makor is in Pesochim first u make the bedikah and then the sreifah!
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Unread 04-05-2004, 12:33 PM   #45
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Three blondes were being interviewed by the Chief of Police for a job in the police force. The Chief of Police told the three blondes: "When an officer is on a case they have to be able to analyze things. Therefore," he continued, "I am going to show you a picture for a minute and then I want you to tell me what you can figure out from the picture."
The chief then showed the picture to the first blonde. After a minute, he took it away and asked her what she saw from the picture. To which the blonde answered, "He only has one eye!"
"Stupid," the chief said. "It's a profile. Of course you only see one eye." He then sent her away.
The chief then went on to show the picture to the second blonde. After a minute, he asked her what she saw. The blonde replied, "Well, he only has one ear!"
"Stupid," the chief said. "Did you not hear me just tell you friend that it was a profile!" He then sent this blonde away, too.
The chief then thought to himself that it wasn's worth showing the picture to the third blonde but he had to give her a fair chance so he did.
After a minute, he asked the third blonde what she saw.
"This criminal must be wearing contact lenses," she stated matter of factly.
The chief was shocked. How could she possibly figure this out. He went to check if the man really did wear contact lenses and sure enough he did. Completely amazed he asked the third blonde how she figured that out.
"Well," she told him, "If he only has one eye and one ear, how could he wear glasses?!"
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Unread 04-14-2004, 09:40 PM   #46
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~The greeting~
One day, Avrahom meets Hymie at Brent Cross shopping centre.
Nice to see you again, Hymie. he says.
Nu, is this how my friend greets me? says Hymie, Arent you going to ask me how I am?
So how are you, Hymie? Avrahom asks.
Dont ask. replies Hymie.
_____________________________________________
~Silence isn't always golden ~
Bernie and Estelle had a big argument, which ended with neither one speaking to the other. This silence went on for three days. But then Bernie realised he needed Estelles help because he had an early morning flight to catch. However, he still couldnt bring himself to talk to her so he wrote a note and left it on her pillow.
It said, "Please wake me at 5 am. I have to catch an early plane."
Next morning, Bernie woke and found to his horror that it was 9 am. He heard Estelle busy in the kitchen and there was a note on his pillow.
It said, "It's 5 am. Wake up."
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Unread 04-14-2004, 09:44 PM   #47
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liked this one..lol!

~The mermaid~

Its Sunday morning, and as usual, Abe, Issy and Benny are out fishing. Suddenly, Benny catches a mermaid. The mermaid begs him to set her free. In return, she will grant each of them a wish.
Abe doesn't believe her and says, "If you can really grant wishes, double my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Shazzam. Abe starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyses what he's recited with great insight.
Issy is amazed and says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Shazzam. Issy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been puzzling the greatest scientists of the world - the mathematicians, atomic physicists and chemists.
Benny sees the changes in his friends, so he says to her, "Quintuple my IQ."
The mermaid looks at him with a worried look and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but in this case, I really think you should reconsider. You just don't know what you're asking for. It will change your entire view of life as you now know it. Please, ask for something else. Ask for 1m and Ill give it to you. Ask for anything, please."
Benny replies, "I hear what youre saying but Ill take the chance. I want you to increase my IQ to five times its usual power. If you don't, I won't set you free."
So the mermaid sighs and says, "Done."
Shazzam...... Benny turns into a woman.
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Unread 04-14-2004, 10:09 PM   #48
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*groan
Why do I get the fealing that if'd make a joke like that with women as target I'd get in trouble.
Life just isn't fair -sigh.
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Unread 04-15-2004, 12:01 AM   #49
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Thought this was funny (and timely) there is a www.binah.com www.daas.com www.netzach.com (there are others are owned but not developed
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Unread 04-17-2004, 07:38 PM   #50
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Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results.
After seeing the whiners along the campaign route, the folks from Texas have
decided that we might just take matters into
our
own hands.

Here is our solution:

#1: Let Kerry become President of the United States (all 49 states).
#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas.

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

NASA in Houston, Texas (we will control the space industry).

We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.

Defense Industry (we have over 65% of it). The term "Don't mess with Texas,"
will take on a whole new meaning .

Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next
300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.

Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern
states. (Mr. Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm.)

Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips
and communications: Small places like HP, Texas Instruments, Dell Computer,
EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied
Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel,
Etc,Etc. The list goes on and on.

Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research,
the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large
health planning centers.

We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice,
SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy
grows better in the south anyway.

We have a ready supply of workers (just open the border when we need some
more).

We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas
Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here
has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if
we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of
Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple of Texas Rangers.

We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and vegetable produce and
everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't
need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good
shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.


Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry :

Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President
Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the
United States will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your
communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since
Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.


Signed, The People in Texas
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